Yesterday Is Never Coming Back [Shoey]

Chapter 14

[Joey's POV]

"Hey there sweetie," I hear behind me. America's Next Top Model wasn't too interesting, but hearing Shane's voice behind me made me light up again. 

"Hey," I whisper, not turning my head. I feel his presence behind me, quite awkwardly not knowing what to do or what to say. His right hand lingers on my shoulder, as his left arm slowly slides across my chest, meeting with his right hand. I feel his face approaching the side of my face, as I'm trying to focus on the TV. His stubble tickles my jaw. We just quietly enjoy each others presence and stay in this position for a while. Shane has the tendency to transform into a sedative, as I'm drifting to sleep when it's only 9:30 pm. I had put Fay to bed two hours ago and was skimming through some books and through some TV channels, waiting for my husband to come home. He had been out costume shopping, but stayed in town for a good 13 hours. I was unable to count the times I've wondered where he would be today and who he'd talk to. He's not the type of guy who commits adultery and leaves his husband behind, but I can't help wondering "What if?".

We've been separated for such a long time, and though no-one of us two will admit it, we do have grown apart. His life kept going on, while mine stayed behind. It's like the tale of the rabbit and the turtle, who take on a race to see who's faster. In the end, because of the rabbit's arrogance and recklessness, the turtle wins. However, the turtle had been all the way behind the rabbit for the larger part of the race, and that's why I feel like the turtle right now. Fay was growing up, Shane's life was rolling by and mine was stuck in the institution. That was my life. And now I'm desperately trying to catch up, but I see Shane so far away, running towards the goal. There's no way I would ever be able to catch up. That's pretty darn painful. Especially in moments like these, where he makes it seem like everything's still as before, but in the back of my mind, I still feel as if our tree of life has inevitably split in two. No matter what you do, trees don't grow back together. They stay apart. And that thought makes me feel like my heart's been ripped out of its cage and thrown into a blender. Now my heart has turned into a gooey mush, unable to turn back to its prior state.

As I wake up, feeling a pillow against my neck and a mattress below my back, I realize that Shane carried me to bed. Turning around, I see him snoring softly, alienated from his husband. He's on the other side of the bed, with a gap larger than the width of two human beings. It's almost as if he's scared of me, or we've inescapably fallen into a split relationship. Being around each other, but not like lovers or spouses. I shake away the thought, thinking I'd do everything to win him back, so I slowly and softly crawl towards his side and position my head on his chest, where it belongs.