The more days that go by the more we keep distancing ourselves from "mom" as much as we can. It's to no avail though. She keeps just showing back up to the place she left. We're trying to get used to her being gone, but how can we do that if she keeps coming back? Exactly, we can't. And she can't get that through her sick mind. Almost everyone in the family wants her out of our lives, besides my youngest brother, who doesn't exactly know what's going on or realize what she's done. I still hate her. I've stopped saying "love you too" back at her when she says those words which I can't physically or mentally believe are true. She left me, how can she truly love me enough to leave? I can't find love for her anymore no matter how hard I try. I see a picture or her, I feel hate. I hear her name, I feel anger. I realize the bad decisions she's making behind our backs, I feel ashamed of ever calling her my mother. Imagine how my dad feels. Probably more sadness and despair plus what I'm also feeling. That's the worst part of it all, is seeing him go through this and becoming the helpless victim of betrayal. Yet, he still wakes up every morning and works all day to support us and tries his hardest to keep happy to keep us happy. I'm thankful for that. My brother has "fallen ill" this past week. I think he fakes sick to get out of school. I think he faked this whole week because it's the second week of school and he missed all of it. He's to young to realize you can't just miss a week and think you can dig yourself back out of the bottomless hole that is the grading system. Although, there's a thought in the back of my mind that believes he faked sick because he's depressed. I want him to go to therapy but my dad told us he wouldn't force us to go unless he saw we actually need it. So, my brother isn't going to go to therapy. But he should based on the sluggishness and unhappy face he wears all the time. He almost physically embodies negativity. I wish he'd get help. Today, my dad went through my grandma's picture albums on her computer. My grandma loves to take pictures of everything. There's tons and tons and tons of pictures of flowers, landscapes, family gatherings, birthdays, pool days, family, friends and people I've never even met before. My mom shows up in them occasionally, as expected. My dad stops on each one of them together, shakes his head, sighs a bit and clicks the next button. Every single time. I can imagine the thoughts going through his mind. "20 years thrown away on someone who would do this to me" "Look at that psycho bitch, she was probably already cheating on me by that time" "I had no fucking clue" "How is she so heartless?" At least, some of those were my own thoughts as I watched my dad go through the memories one by one. I felt and saw the sadness in his eyes. I can't believe my mom is such a cunt. Back to the hatred, I guess. "That's enough of that shit," my dad clicks out of the gallery and walks out. Later, he tells me he's going to try to get back out there and find some new people online possibly. I tell him that's a great idea, he doesn't believe I feel that way but I really do think its great. "You know how people say when a dog dies, you should get a new one to keep your mind off of it? That's kinda what I want to do," he explains. I understand completely. Bury our dead dog of a mom/wife and get a new one. I hope he finds a nice woman who will help him. I hope we will welcome a new woman into our lives as a step mom. I know I will, I hope my brothers do too. That's about it for that side of my life. Don't even get me started on the troubles I'm having trying to get a boyfriend, I'll talk your ear off. This weekend should be good for me, though. I'm going to be with friends and family. That's really all I need now, although, a boyfriend would be nice too but I won't keep you. Goodnight.
