7. Waiting Without Sleep

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At some point in almost all of our lives, we begin to love someone. We admire them, idolize them, maybe even strive to be like them. We might even find out things about them. Things that you don't even know about the people around you. We believe that they're perfect. But perhaps a better description is perfectly flawed. For, it seems that the flaws in oneself show a certain amount of humility which might be that person's most attractive trait of all. You find out about the hardships in that person's life and every little detail about what makes them who they are. You listen to the words they say and watch all the things they do to figure out everything you can. Even if it's fake.

    You may have never seen this person face to face. You know what they look like from the pictures on your wall and the videos on tv. You hear their words from other people typing it out or from watching a video they set up and prepared for. You hope day and night that eventually you'll be able to meet them, truly see them, touch them.  You stay up late watching videos trying to figure out their personality and relate it to every single thing that you do. Why you should be with them.

    I tend to think about this a lot. The idea of being totally and utterly in love with somebody you never met. I'm not saying that I've never felt like this before but it's been a long time and since then my perspective has quite changed. Sometimes I wonder what I'm supposed to call this sort of love. Unrequited? Fake? One-sided? Infatuation? Just love? Perhaps it's all of these things or none of them. I didn't really start thinking about it until him though.

    Not until he decided he had something to say. He could no longer hold his voice back. He needed to be heard no matter what it took. I couldn't lie when I said that his voice has always sounded like an angel's. Which is the reason that I was happy for him, excited even. But if you would have told me then that life would be how it is now I would have been terrified.

    I had always been kind to worry about. But when it came to this I hadn't given it much thought. Now my anxieties about the path we chose to take together have never been so large. Billboards, magazines, phone screens, the works. His face is everywhere. This is what he always wanted though. Is it not? Out there-there are hundreds, thousands, probably millions of others that think they love him. But how could they?

    They might know about his past but I lived it with him. They might know about all the things he gave up to make it to this point but I was one of the things that he kept. They might know all the things he likes or dislikes but I'm the one that helped him to get there. That counts for something, right? It has to.

    This is what I think about as I wait for him to come home once again. He's late. As always. I know he isn't cheating on me but it doesn't help much since the real problem is not knowing when he'll be home. I shouldn't worry, right? He's probably just working on a really hard choreography or something and will call me as soon as he's done. But the thought that always scares me is that what if one day he isn't. What if one day he's on his way home and got hit by a truck and I didn't bother calling cause this happened all the time. I wish he'd just take the time to send me a quick text that said he'd be coming home late. He has millions of fans out there who'd do anything for just a handshake but along with fans come enemies as well. I've never wanted anything but the best for him but the idea scares me. Somebody could pounce on my boyfriend any second and leave me all alone.

    I turn on the TV and wait for him to get home but by the time 2 am rolls around, I can no longer keep my eyes open and fall asleep. A while later I feel strong arms carrying me.

    "Babe," I mumble tiredly.

    "Sorry sweetie, I was caught writing lyrics," he whispers and I nod my head in understanding.

    "It's okay, but couldn't you just shoot me a text or something?" I ask as he puts me in our bed and crawls in with me. He wraps his arms around me and I sigh tiredly.

    "I'm sorry," he mutters.

    "Stop apologizing," I groan and he laughs lightly. I smile and he holds on to me a little tighter. It doesn't take long for me to fall asleep in his warm arms. I know that his fans will always have a piece of him but I will always be the one he comes home to.

    The next morning I wake up to the smell of eggs. I walk out to see Aaron cooking. I smile a little knowing he's probably doing so to make up for getting home so last night.

    "What are you doing?" I ask walking into the kitchen as he sends me a big grin.

    "Well it seems that I have to go record something but would rather spend some time with my lovely girlfriend beforehand," he smiles.

    "Well I have no idea who this special lady is but I'm sure she would love the idea," I laugh.

    "You've probably never met her but she's the prettiest, smartest, most amazing girl in the entire world," he says putting eggs on a plate.

    "Well, that describes me perfectly so I must be she." I laugh.

    "Of course you are," he says walking over to give me a peck on the lips. I leave to take a quick shower while he finishes cooking.

    "So what are your plans for today?" I ask coming back into the room.

    "Well I've got to finish recording some stuff and then I've got talk to a ton of different people about image or something," he sighs.

    "That sucks," I reply and look up to see a certain look in his eyes. It looks like guilt.

    "What's wrong," I ask and he moves to wrap his arms around me.

    "I feel like a sucky boyfriend for leaving you alone all the time," he admits.

    "Well, that's not the sucky part," I laugh. "The sucky part is when you don't come home and I'm stuck up waiting for you at 12 o'clock wondering if you're okay."

    "You know that I'm working," he says and I shake my head.

    "I assume that's what is happening but you never know unless told," I tell him.

    "It won't happen again," he whispers and I smile lightly.

    "Thank you," I say with a kiss. I trust him with all of my heart.

1/23/19

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