Aolani
I grabbed the bottle of wine that sat on the table and filled my glass to the rim. The questions haven't stopped all night, I'm the center of attention right now. Everyone sitting at this table knows I hate when people stare at me. And right now I feel uncomfortable because I have seven sets of eyes on me. I cleared my throat and sipped my drink..
"Can I have my fucking face back?"
"Aolani! Don't you ever speak that way in my house" my mother shouted before reaching over to smack the hell out of me.
I don't even know why I said anything, my mom has never allowed us to curse in her house no matter how old we are. I truthfully didn't mean to be rude but it's second nature for me to get defensive about certain things. I don't need anyone hounding me about the same stuff. This is everyday, whether I'm in the same room as them or on the phone. Can't we talk about how work is going, church, something on tv, a movie. Anything other than my personal life?
"I'm sorry mom, but can you all just leave me alone for five seconds?"
"We left you alone for five damn days! How much longer do you need Lani?"
I glanced at my brother who had a very frustrated look on his face. Him of all people decides to join in on pissing me off. I thought if no one understood just a little bit he would. He doesn't know everything but he knows a little more than everyone else.
"Makani, don't yell at me! You all act like you live this perfect life. Like you don't get upset or feel down sometimes. Its life, everyone copes with stuff differently"
"What are you coping with? Honestly talk to us, we're all here for you. We wanna help you.."
"Nothing! Its nothing! You can't help me, none of you can help me so stop asking questions. Why can't we just eat dinner and go about our lives. You go home to your wife and your baby. Noelani can go home to her husband and her baby. And I go home with my boyfriend!"
Everyone just sat in silence staring at me, they can't help me. No one can, don't you think I'd be cured if someone could help me? I'd be a mother, I'd have a little baby. I don't, which means nothing or no one can help me. I'm tired of being the one everyone looks at just wondering why this or why that.
"I love you all. Thank you for inviting me but I'm leaving"
"No, sit your ass down! I'm tired of you running away all the time. What's going on with you, c'mon tell me. I'm your father.."
"Can't you all just believe me when I say I'm okay? I'm fine. I just had a very bad day and I thought being away from everyone would help. Its fine"
"It's not, you've said you're fine several times tonight. Sign number one that you aren't. Is it that bad that you won't even talk to your boyfriend about it?"
My dad tried to soften his voice in hopes to get me to talk. What everyone fails to realize is, the more they ask me. The more they push me to talk the less I'm going to say. You can't pressure someone to talk about something they don't wanna talk about. I understand they're worried but until I feel comfortable talking about it. I'm going to continuously shut down, I'm afraid that everyone will judge me.
I don't wanna give people things to throw in my face, when you get into it with people. They tend to use your weaknesses to hurt you. I fear one day Shane will throw it in my face, I fear my sister and my brother will throw it in my face. I shouldn't have to fear people stating the obvious in hateful manner just to hurt me. I've seen it done and Its not something I wanna experience.
"I promise, I'm just going through a phase. As a woman I have insecurities, let me get through this. Let me find a way to open up to you guys. Don't pressure me.."
