(TW: mentions of suicidal thoughts and self-harm)
I honestly... don't know sometimes if I'm suicidal or if I'm just oddly curious. Maybe it's both and I'm just often times more curious?
Like, I have my days where I want to take my razor and just drag it along my wrist and let myself bleed to death, or I want to take just enough NAC to kill me. But honestly? Most of my suicidal thoughts are my daydreams, my what-ifs.
If I killed myself, by, let's say... NAC overdose (the most probable way I'd do it), and I died, let's say, in my room, at my mom's house, in the evening. Who would find out first (of my friends)? How would anyone find out? When? Would anyone (*cough cough* Bratcher *cough cough*) sense something was wrong even though they're miles away?
How would they react?
Would Sarah be able to ride the bus again, having to look my grandma (the driver) in the eye, day after day, knowing I'd had depression but my grandma didn't, keeping the secret for me, before turning and sitting in the seat she shared with me?
Would Kamden be able to walk into first and eighth hour of school, be able to focus on the algebra lesson knowing I should be sitting right next to him but also knowing he'll never be able to call and ask me for help again, be able to play the cello and not occasionally look across the orchestra and ask me in ASL how my day was?
Would Bratcher really do what she's sworn she'd do?
Would Doctor Friend/Landon actually give a crap? (No offense, my dude, if you've decided to read this far down. You know what I mean by this.)
(For those who read the ace journal, Pumpkin is Landon here.)
I don't know, just a thought.
On a more positive note, I was able to distract myself when I had thoughts that I knew if I didn't distract myself from would put me in a suicidal mood.
YOU ARE READING
i'm sick and tracking it here
Non-Fictionuh yeah so I kinda started putting my mental crap in my ace journal so I made a new thing for that. will change cover but it's such a mood so I might not.
