"Why are you scared about going to jail?" Is Kayla's first real question to you after you collapse on her couch; her house being the closest to Ramirez's office and therefore your first turn.
You don't feel like you're operating on this plane of existence, like you're floating through space in a way that isn't yourself. Your therapist called it 'dissociating' after you'd mentioned that sometimes you'd feel as if you were watching a movie of your life rather than living in it. And that's how you felt leaving the office, and how you felt ordering a decaf coffee at a nearby shop, and how you currently feel in Kayla's living room on this Saturday morning.
She frowns at you, still in her pajamas, before repeating her earlier question.
You just sigh, "For punching the desk clerk at my gyno's office."
"Well damn," she says. "What'd you do that for?"
"I don't know! God, I just left and hauled out and socked her in her damn eye and my doctor ain't even stop me she fired her on the spot and I'm like two seconds from ending my shit-"
Kayla throws a pillow at you and it snaps you out of it long enough to let out another sigh. With a final swig of your decaf you hop up with your purse and stomp to her upstairs bathroom. You're still in denial, because there's no way you're pregnant and you refuse to believe God really played you like this. Maybe it was Loki or something; he's the trickster god of something, right? The entire situation seems petty enough to be a product of the whims of a meddling force.
You can hear your confused friend talking to you from downstairs as you unbox the pregnancy test you'd gotten from the drugstore. The irrational thoughts have you convinced that it won't truly be so until you see the little screen read Pregnant. Damn the fact you got both a blood and urine test by a licensed medical practitioner. Damn the fact that she told you to come back in a week.
Damn everything to hell because you were just getting started on being content with yourself; alone.
You tell Kayla you'll be done in a second when she finally comes upstairs to ask if you're on 'one,' watching the timer on your cell phone count down with your heart in your throat. There was a moment with Devon that played like this exact scenario; there wasn't any gross negligence from a nursing assistant just some drinks and a messy night in. You'd gotten a little nervous with a missed period and had tried to take a test in secret.
But he'd found the box and lost his mind and scared you half to death. You remember honestly thinking he was going to put his hands on you or have you turn up missing like so many crazy ass men are known to do. It was toward the end of your fucked up relationship and only a week later did you nearly burn his apartment down after catching him cheating. It was so cathartic to watch him freak out over his burned shoes and clothes because it served him right.
And now, as you look down at the test that reads 'Pregnant,' all you can do is worry about N'Jadaka. He'd made it clear he wasn't trying to have any kids, and you were inclined to agree.
You just know he's choked women up before, he seems like the type. Or at least, did, but you're not entirely sure he's out of that Dark Place just yet. And even if he is, he can lapse back into it just as quickly judging by the way he was during his heroic rescue of you.
"I'm coming in," Kayla suddenly says, pushing the door and peeking inside. Her eyes land straight on the box sitting on her sink and just like that, her face is lit up like the fourth of july.
She comes in fully, now, putting both hands up to her face as she looks like she just won the Mega Millions lottery. You watch her get so excited but you just can't feel that energy yet; you need a little time to figure out what you want to do. Ramirez said you have options, and you need to make a decision very soon.
