A Week With Ray Summers

Seven

 I woke the next day to silence. It wasn’t even seven o’clock, but Jamie was gone. I searched the house for him, thinking he might be avoiding me, but it soon became clear he’d left. His bed was unmade, which made me worry that things were really bad. Jamie was a tidy freak. He must have been in a state not to tidy up I thought.

 I thought maybe I’d cry, but I didn’t. Even though everything seemed to be falling apart in my wake. It’s just a fight. A stupid fight I told myself this isn’t the end of a relationship. This isn’t high school. Grow up.

 It seemed both of us had some growing up to do.

 I gave myself things to do before Ray arrived at nine. I made myself a smoothie. I hoovered the house. I made the bed Jamie and I normally shared and tried not to think about him sleeping alone. I made an effort with my clothes, putting on my best blue blouse with white spots. I did my hair and makeup. I tried not to think of Jamie. And I allowed myself to think of Ray.

 When she arrived, I wasted no time getting in the car with her. She looked radiant that morning. She was wearing shorts with tights and boots, and a stripy crop top. She wasn’t wearing makeup, and it made her look like a completely different person. Her blue eyes met mine, and the hardness they usually held had gone. Her eyes looked concerned. Concerned for me.

 “Well?” she said softly. I shook my head.

 “It’s a mess,” I said, trying not to let my voice quiver.

 “What did he say?”

 “Not much. Neither of us did. But it was like…we didn’t even argue about you, or what happened. We argued about problems I didn’t know existed. I slept on the couch and I haven’t seen him since.”

 Ray looked like she didn’t know what to say. I shook my head again.

 “Take us somewhere?”

 Ray drove with the radio on, and I tried my best not to fall apart. It wasn’t the time or the place, and despite everything, I was looking forward to my day with Ray. A few minutes on, Ray switched off the radio and put a CD in the car’s sound system. She skipped a few tracks and a powerful rock song began to play. When the singing began, I realised it was one of Prophecy’s songs. I listened carefully to the lyrics, realising Ray had put the song on for a reason.

You lower down the lights

And we’re creatures of the dark

But nothing’s quite the same

The magic’s lost its spark

 

I turn my head away

But your hands are on my face

It’s too late to stop it now

I’ve fallen far from grace

 

Wild with desire

And your hands move higher

I never wanted this, never wanted this

But now I can’t escape from your

 

Arms, you take me in your arms

Can’t break out of your hold

And my skin turns cold but you’re

Here and you’ll never let me go

Never let me go

This is vertigo

 

I used to crave your kiss

And your hands around my waist

But now those kisses

Have a bitter after taste

 

Back against a wall

I just want it all to end

It’s too late now

And I know what you intend

 The chorus repeated and the song trailed off. I looked at Ray. Her lips were pursed as she switched the CD player off.

 “I…I just want you to know that I can relate,” she said.

 I didn’t know what to say. I wasn’t sure whether it was OK to ask about the relationship issues she’d had, so I decided to wait until she was ready to speak herself. She didn’t say anything until we’d reached our destination. We stopped at a forest around twenty miles from Liverpool and Ray got a picnic bag out of the boot.

 “You made lunch?” I asked “I didn’t think you were capable…”

 Ray smiled “I’m not. My gran did the sandwiches.”

 We laughed as we began to walk, but there was still an awkwardness to it all. We both knew there was something unsaid hanging between us. We walked a while in silence, until we came to a clearing where a little beach was. It was deserted: it wasn’t a very warm day. English beaches aren’t anything special anyway, with more rock than sand and litter and seaweed littered across the sand. But it was nice to be somewhere secluded. The water lapped gently against the grit as Ray lay out a blanket for us to sit on. We lay back, looking up at the cloudy sky.

 “I was sixteen,” Ray said “Sixteen and stupid. And there was this girl. She was just…damn, she was so amazing at the time. Cara…She was my best friend and I was so in love with her. We hung out all the time, had sleepovers, went to the cinema…I used to watch her play football. Every fucking week.” Ray laughed bitterly and shook her head “And then she went to college and I was working on my music. Any spare time she had, she came to my house. And there was this spark, you know? And then one time, we were alone in my room and…she just started touching my face. And I couldn’t breathe properly anymore. Her hands moved around my body. So gently. I’d known for a long time how much I wanted her. And now she wanted me too. That night she lay beside me in bed, naked, and I was so happy. I thought I had everything I wanted.”

 “What changed?” I asked softly. Ray took a shaky breath.

 “Cara loved power,” Ray whispered “And I thought it was kind of sexy at first. She was sort of…dominating. And even though I like to be in control usually, I loved submitting to her. It wasn’t really any different from before. I’d always submitted to her, in a way. But…but being in a relationship with her…she began to want more. It got to the stage where I feared her. She used to hit me if I didn’t do what she wanted. We’d moved to a flat together by then, and there was no one else around to help. I’d fear her coming home. I stopped doing the things I liked. I gave up music. I just sort of waited for her to come home.” Ray shook her head again “I guess you’re wondering why I didn’t leave.”

 I nodded. Ray ran a hand through her hair, making it stick up even more “I loved her. I still loved her, even after everything she did to me. Until one day I didn’t. It was like each time she hit me, I’d love her a little less. And one day, I ran away. Ran home. To my Dad. He…he’s always there for me. Even now. He doesn’t…he doesn’t approve. Of the way I go about things. Of how I act to get fame. But…he loves me. Unconditionally.” Her voice cracked a little and she closed her eyes. I watched her, my throat feeling raw. Slowly, I moved my hand to touch hers. My fingers slipped slowly through hers, grasping her tightly. Her eyes opened again, and she turned her head to look at me. She shuffled a little closer, and her head snuggled against my neck. Her hair tickled my cheeks.

 “We’re both a bit of a mess, eh?” she said. I thought I felt a tear drop on my shoulder. I turned my head to kiss her head gently. She smelt of oranges as the first drops of rain landed on our faces.

 “At least we can be a mess together,” I said.