Ghosts// S.M

10

The world seemed as if it was falling to pieces around me. My eyes went from person to person, my head to far away from my body to realise what was happening. I was terrified, the feeling of people brushing up against me, parents yelling for their kids to not run off, or kids yelling and crying because their parents pulled them away. It was all to much. Shane had left to go get something from the car, Ryan was off at the side, looking over something while the crew filmed our surroundings.

We were in Ohio and for some reason, I didn't feel like I was fully there. I stood on a busy street in Columbus. My head spinning with a headache and a heavy feeling on my chest. I didn't know what to do, there was so many people and Ryan was out of sight, along with the crew and Shane. I closed my eyes and took a few deep breathes, a sudden wave of sickness running over me.

"Ivy?" Ryan questioned and I turned to him, my eyes wide in surprise at him standing beside me.

"When did you get there?" I asked and he looked at me confused.

"I've been standing next to you for the past five minutes, trying to get your attention." He said and I just looked at him confused, he pressed the back of his hand to my forehead and frowned in concern. "You're awfully warm Ivy." He said and I just shrugged, turning around but loosing my balance as a wave of dizziness ran over me. "Woah okay, sit down." Ryan said, helping me over to a bench. I groaned and held my head in my hands.

Ryan called Shane, telling him I was sick and I needed to go back to the hotel room. I protested but he just shook me off, I stopped trying when he placed his hand on my forehead and looked at me with more worry in his eyes. The next thing I knew, I was being rushed to the nearest hospital and taken into the emergency room.

Shane stood next to me as I lay on the hospital bed, I had my eyes closed and a cold towel placed over my forehead, I shivered from the coldness but still sweated. My body ached and my head spun, I wanted nothing more than to be at home in my bed, with my dog and cat and Lilly.

"I hate this." I mumbled, Shane laughed lightly and pressed his hand to my cheek.

"You've got a high fever, I'd expect you to hate it." He said and I just lazily hit his stomach with my hand. I kept my eyes closed but thought, my words were loud in my head, they bounced off my skull and made their way out of my mouth.

"I was sick once when I was with Connor, I mean I was sick more than once, but only showed him I was sick once. I coughed and sneezed, puked and hurt. Bur all he did was add to the hurt, verbal and mentally." I mumbled out, my words not processing fully through my brain before coming out my words. "I was so lonely Shane, even in that house with him. I was so alone." I whispered and Shane sat down on the chair next to my bed and kissed my forehead. Making me feel less alone.

***

I lay in the hotel room, my fever lower than before. My body still shivered and I was still dizzy, but I just lay on the large bed alone. The sound of passion and heartbreak coming through my phone speaker.

Button Poetry played on my phone, poem after heartbreaking poem played one after the other. Ryan said I was making myself sad by listening to them, but I told him to fuck off and let me live. People stood on a stage and read their poems, they read about the hurt and pain, the emotions and the anger they felt.

It didn't make me sad, it didn't make me anger, instead it took my breathe away as I listened to their emotions showing through the space of 2 minutes. These people lived through their nightmares, they lived through it all and still managed to get up on that stage and talk about their emotions.

My heart ached as a woman spoke about her relationship, with a man who she loved, who didn't love her. I didn't cry because it hurt, I cried because I knew how she felt and I knew why she was angry that she let him not love her for so long.

"How you feeling?" Shane asked, walking into the room and shutting the door behind him. I moved over on the bed, leaving enough space for him to climb in. He climbed in text to me, his arm snaking its way around my waist and pulling me close to him. I lay on his chest, my head where his heart pumped blood around his body.

"I hate feeling this way, I feel pathetic." I said and Shane stroked my hair, his other hand placed on my back.

"If you didn't feel this way, I'd be worried." He said and I laughed lightly, it was a humourless laugh, holding the truth of his words. I closed my eyes and stopped crying, the sudden comfort of having someone I had grown to love near me. I flame down completely, still feeling like complete shit, my brain felt like slime and I still sweated and shivered, but Shane held me till I fell asleep.

"I love you." He whispered as he moved from under me, placing the hotel blanked over me as he stood up from the bed. Before he could reach the door, I turned my head in his direction.

"I love you too." I spoke, my voice strong and filled with emotion. I watched as he smiled and made his way over to the bed again, pressing a long kiss to my sweaty forehead. I smiled as I closed my eyes, waiting for the click of the hotel room, before falling back into sleep.