Stay Strong: The Diaries of a Cutter. (On Hold!)

Chapter 9: Cleansing.

Chapter 9: Cleansing.

It was nice to hang out with Zane today. I've missed him, the entire time he babbled on about their baby and how we'll be a happy family when it's born. Mom, dad and I will make up and I'll be all better again. Everything can go back to being normal again. 

Seeing the hope in his eyes and the faith in the words he spoke almost made me believe that maybe one day everything will be okay again. But it broke my heart knowing that I'll have to purge my demons before the baby is born. I've spend so long running from them, I don't think I can face them now. I think they're too big for me to defeat. I didn't tell him that though. I couldn't destroy the innocence in his imagination. He thinks I'm getting better, clearly he hasn't spoken to Doc Wallace. She'll probably tell him I'm being a stubborn bitch and refuses to open up. 

Zane dropped me off at the house not too long after dark. We literally spent the entire day out, I'm sure everyone was thinking he kidnapped me or something. I could only wish he did though. When I got in, everyone had already had dinner and were getting ready for bed. I just went up to mine and Holly's room. She wasn't there.

I sat on my bed and tore into the cardboard box that was addressed to me from Gran and Gramps. In the box was a jar of homemade strawberry jam with some homemade bread, a tin full of peanut butter cookies, hot chocolate mix, my teddy bear, a picture of my enitre family, my binder that had my notes and music in it, a quilt Gran made me when I went to the hospital the first time, a box of pictures, birthday cards and letters and some homemade CDs that Zane mixed for me.

I couldn't help but smile as I went through the cards and pictures, my music made me smile as well. My entire life was spread out over my bed. Obviously I had dug into the peanut butter cookies, they're my favourite cookies and Gran knows it. 

I decided to open the letter Gran and Gramps wrote for me, I know they wrote different letters and put them in one envelope, I know their tricks. The first one I pulled out had neat writing scrolled over the page. 

Carter,

It's Gramps, but you've probably already guessed that by now, am I right? You're a smart girl, I know you knew it was me.

Carter, not going to guilt trip you into doing something you don't want to do.

The day before the accident I saw a happy-go-lucky fifteen year old girl with her best friends. She was smiling and so full of life, you could see it in her pretty brown eyes then the next day they were dull and lifeless, even in the bright lights of the hospital emergancy room. She no longer looked alive. That day we lost two precious angels. Your mom and dad only think they've lost one, everyone else knows that you died with Brighton. 

I knew you were getting bullied at School and I was so cold and hard on you to toughen you up, so you could fight back and get that spark back to enlight that flame in your eyes. But you only got worse, and the duller your eyes got the colder and harsher I became.

When you started to hurt yourself I believed you were being over dramaitc. I thought you were doing it so your mom and dad would pay attention to you. I was so very, very wrong.  And I am sorry I didn't help you. I'm so, so sorry that I didn't rescue you from drowning in your own mind.

When you attempted suicide the first time once again, I thought you were doing it for attention. I didn't know what was going on in your life. I didn't know that your parents didn't want anything to do with you. I didn't know that they blamed you.