Stay Strong: The Diaries of a Cutter. (On Hold!)

Chapter 6: The Monster at the End of the Book.

Chapter 6: The Monster at the End of the Book.

~Carter~

The rest of the day seemed to drag on, my thoughts were scattered and messy but two people stuck out in my mind the most, my mom and dad. I haven’t talked to them in a while. My last words to them were ‘I hate you’. But I didn’t hate them, I don’t hate them. I only said that because they blamed me for my little brother’s death. It’s been two years and I still don’t forgive myself.

At dinner it was a lot like breakfast, some ate, some didn’t eat. I ate a little bit but not much. I kept my head down most of the day and evening. Holly would give me a look, it wasn’t a look of anger or seeking revenge but it was more tormented. She knew what I did, that ate me up inside mostly because I’ve never let anyone know about the things I’ve done. Melissa, Mayra, Max and Sophia played a board game. Elise, Sabal, Brooklyn, Keely, Sarah and Michelle were happily chatting with Ben over music and movies. Holly was off on her own, in the corner looking out the window onto the back garden. I didn’t want to attract any unwanted attention so I supplied music for the entire room and played the piano until we were all told to go and get changed into PJs, I wore a pair of red plaid bottoms with a long sleeved shirt and my white ankle socks.

Holly and I sat in our room with the bed side lamps on; we both just listened to the consistent rain fall hit the window. I read a book while Holly doodled in her notebook. We could hear the other girls giggling away in the room beside us and across the hall.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Holly asked curiously from her bed. She sat there playing with her long hair. I looked at her as I lay on my bed. I bit my lip and nodded.

“I’m fine.” I replied bluntly.

“You seemed pretty out of it earlier.” Holly commented. I didn’t want to talk about what happened earlier, the past is the past. I can’t change what I’ve done. I just have to pay the price now.

“Carter.” I heard Holly snap my name like she was cracking a whip. Angrily I snapped my eyes over to her again with a frustrated pout.

“I’m fine.” I sneered heavily towards her. Holly looked frightened by the tone I used. I didn’t mean to scare her; I just didn’t want to talk about it. I wanted to run and hide from it.

There was a knock on our door, both of our heads snapped around to see Shelley standing in the hall with a trolley of medications that filled little white cups along with a couple bottles of water for us throughout the night.

“Well come on girls, I can’t leave the trolley unattended.” Shelley waved for us to come over and get our medications. I slipped off of the bed and over to the door. Shelley handed me a cup that had two white circle pills and a capsule pill. I furrowed my eye brows as I looked down into the cup, my eyes lifted from the cup to meet her blazing blues.

“What am I taking?” I asked curiously. Shelley frowned and looked at the clip board that had the lists of all the medications we needed. Holly didn’t care what she was taking; she threw her head back and swallowed the pills. Shelley sighed and looked at me.

“Diazepam and Fluoxetine.” She replied calmly. I arched my eye brow at her. I knew exactly what those were Valium and Prozac. They’re giving me two drugs that could possibly put me in a fit of rage and depression. Shelley stood there and smiled. I forced a smile as I came up with a plan to ditch the meds and still gain their trust.

“I’m gonna take these in a while, I want to read a little first.” I said calmly. Shelley nodded twice before going to the next door. I closed the bedroom door, by now Holly was lying in my bed. She was such a light weight. I just shook my head and pulled the little box out from under the bed, placing the two pills in it. I wandered over to Holly’s bed after turning off the light on my nightstand. She must’ve been tranquilized or something because she was out like a light. I stripped off the long sleeved shirt and replaced it with a tee shirt. I flopped down on the bed and grunted loudly. I shut off Holly’s light and cradled myself into the blankets. The night was smothering me, the rain had finally let up but the coolness of the coast seeped through the window. I stared at the bandages that were wrapped around my arms. I was so disappointed in myself. I can’t believe I did something so stupid. I know I deserved it though but it was so dumb because the longer I’m ‘sick’ the longer I’m going to be here in this hell. Zane is going to keep me here longer and longer until I’m nothing. That broke my heart, Zane knows what I’m going through and yet he puts me in here. I felt the tears form in my eyes as my fingertips pressed against my head tightly. I know I’m never going to get to sleep now. But my exhausted mind instantly slipped into a coma.

Freak

Loser

Slut

Fag

You’re worthless!

Why are you still here?

It was your fault

You’re a murder

He’s dead because of you!

Those words echoed through my sleepy mind, they grew louder and louder until they blended into a symphony of laughter and cries. They haunted my mind heavily.

I tightly closed my eyes until the laughter and cries stopped. I opened my eyes, I found myself standing at the end of the hallway in my High School. It was like every other morning at High School only I knew exactly what day it was. Mindlessly I began my decent down the hallway towards my locker, my heart began to race inside my rib cage. I slinked further into the back of my hood, keeping my head down so the grey hood of my sweat shirt hid my face. I curled my fingers tighter around the strap of my old backpack as it hung off of my sore shoulder loosely.

I felt like I was going to explode the moment I stepped foot into my classroom, everyone stopped their morning chatter and turned to look at me with judgemental gazes. The entire room was silent; apart from the low whispers that fill the air.

“I can’t believe she actually showed.”

“I hear she murdered her little brother.”

“No way, I hear she bullied him so badly she helped him commit suicide.”

“What a pathetic excuse for a human being.”

“How dare she show her face around here.”

“I hear her little brother died while she was babysitting him.”

“Yeah, well I hear she was too busy fucking a guy’s brains out to care about him.” Carefully I made my way to the back desk by the back window. Everyone’s stares followed me carefully. I quietly let my sneakers squeak against the floor loudly until I felt something firm hit the bottom of my leg, I went plummeting towards the floor.

My eyes snapped open to find I was staring up at the ceiling with tears trickling down the sides of my face.  My body was bathed in a cold sweat. My heart was racing and my mind was throbbing with pain. But the pain in my head wasn’t as bad as the pain in my chest.