Silver

Chapter 47 - then

The next morning we lay in bed kissing and cuddling. It was so sweet, this slow and tepid discovery of each other. I placed my head on his chest and felt his warm embrace, his kisses on my forehead. I ran my hand over his bare chest, over moles and freckles, noticing the lightness of his chest hair. He ran his fingers over my shoulders, and massaged me behind my neck. We didn't speak much, yet we felt secure handling each other with care. The medication had helped kickstart a feeling of desire in me.

We had breakfast and went to the new Melbourne museum. We held hands as we walked through the exhibits. We had lunch in Lygon Street, an Italian place he knew. We ate Italian doughnuts and hot chocolates with whipped cream. Then we caught a train back to St Kilda Road and walked through the botanical gardens and talked about if we get a garden one day how nice it would be to grow our own herbs. For the first time I could imagine a future with him without it filling me with dread.

When we got back to our apartment we undressed each other in the hallway like rock stars. A strong currency pulsed through us, pressing and gripping, like passion was something to grab and hold on to; a shoulder, a hip, a thigh. Affection became physicality, primal, and guttural, urgent and vital, burning with significance.

'I'll be right back,' Alistair said.

He went to his room. I wondered what he was getting. We hadn't even discussed contraception yet. I felt cold and naked in the hallway. This was no place to lose my virginity to my husband. Should we go to my room? The rockstar feeling left and I felt more like a recorder player. He was taking a while. I went to my room, lay down on the bed and waited.

When he came in, he said, 'Sorry. I was supposed to meet Jack online to go to Narcasia. I just messaged him to say I'd be half an hour.'

I slipped under the covers. 'Don't bother,' I muttered. 'Don't bloody bother.'

'What?'

'I said don't bother. Get out.'

I rolled over in bed and nestled my head into the pillow. Half an hour? This was only worth half an hour of his time? I heard the door close quietly behind him. Half an hour. It takes half an hour to eat a meal. Half an hour to go for a walk. Half an hour is not even the length of a Family Matters class. It's half an hour to watch an American sitcom. It is not half an hour to take someone's virginity, to lie with a lover in bliss. His half an hour comment made me feel like half a person, not a whole person to be cherished and desired, to devote time to.

That day on the beach with Jarvis had felt timeless. There was no rush. We'd entered some universe where being together was the only thing in the world that mattered. I knew that was the feeling I wanted if I was to give my whole self to someone.

It made me miss Jarvis wholly and completely.