numb // malec

morning

wednesday, 29th september, 11:43:
alec:

i open my eyes slowly, and look around groggily. i'm somewhere unfamiliar. i look across from myself, and for a moment i sit in confusion. there's someone beside me?

wait.
i'm not in my apartment.
i'm in someone else's. moreover, i'm in someone else's bed.

then it dawns on me. it's magnus.
last night he saw me leaving my apartment and he called me into his. i recall telling him everything and crying into his arms. i also recall him kissing the top of my head before we went to sleep, and i recall kissing him softly on the lips too.

i look at the time and start to panic. magnus surely has stuff to do. i shake his shoulder.
"huh?" he says, sitting up slowly.
he looks so adorable right now, his black hair going in all directions.
"alec! hi. why -why did you wake me up?"
i stutter. "di-did you not have anything to do?"
he laughs softly. "no. at least, not anything that i urgently need to do. i'm off work today."
"o-oh. well i should probably go now, and get my breakfast and get changed."

magnus looks hurt. "you don't even want to stay for breakfast?"
"n-no! i just -i don't want to bother you."
"alec, you're not bothering me. don't worry. i'm quite happy to make you some food."
i suddenly feel a little angry.
"you're not doing this out of pity, are you? i hate when people pity me just because i've got such a fucked up mind. they think i need some sort of special treatment or something. i don't."

he looks taken aback, and i immediately regret saying what i did.
"alexander, i'm sorry if i made you feel like that. i'm not pitying you. i'm just doing this because i want to. you've been ignored and treated like shit for years by your own family. isn't it about time someone, i don't know, didn't ignore you and treated you like you actually are a human being?!"

for some reason, i feel like crying. i can already feel the tears coming.
magnus rushes to me and throws himself around me.
"no no no, please don't cry! i didn't mean to upset you! oh god, i'm so sorry."
"n-no magnus, i-i-its n-not your fault, i just-"
i burst into tears and put my head in my hands.

this is by far the worst breakdown i've had this year. i usually have a few a week, but this week hasn't actually been too bad; i've only had two so far. now i'm on my third one.

without thinking, i rush out of magnus's apartment and into my own, slamming the door and sliding down it to sit on the floor. i cry and cry and cry, the sobs so strong they actually hurt.

god i wish i was dead.