Heavy Love

This is it. Today is the day that I finally tell my parents that I want to go to college. College was the best part, but what I want to major in was going to be the hard part. I haven’t begun applying to college yet, but I know what I want to do with my life. I want to go to nursing school. I have put my life on pause for three years after graduation, just to save money. Now I have finally pushed myself to make the decision of going back to school.

I stood in front of my full length mirror just staring at my reflection. Why can’t I just appreciate the way I look? Maybe because I was raised to be ashamed of my body. Maybe because I was always told that no one wants to look at a fat girl. No one wants to love a fat girl.

I looked away from my reflection before a tear could escape. It is time to get it over with.

Everyone was sitting at the table eating breakfast. The smell of bacon and pancakes filled the air. “Your fruit salad is in the fridge sweetie.” My mother couldn’t see the hurt on my face, because she was too busy scarfing down her bacon.

“I have something important to tell you guys.”

“Can this wait till this afternoon? I have to go meet the guys at the lake. It’s fishing day.” My father was finishing up the last of his orange juice.

“I’ve decided to go to college.” I said it quickly before he could walk out the door.

“What made you decide to do that?”

“I’ve just been thinking and I wanted to go to nursing school.”

“Sarah we have talked about this before. Pick a profession where you don’t have to deal with the public.” He means where the public doesn’t have to see me.

“Sweetie, you are a smart girl, don’t make a stupid decision.” My mother said with a bit of snark.

My brother laughed. “Who would take health advice from someone who looks like you?”

“Yeah, become a phone operator.” My sister piped in. They all begin to laugh and make humiliating comments back and forth about my weight and how this was a horrible decision. Then my mother brought up the topic of a new diet pill that just hit the market.

It was as if time was standing still. Everyone in the room had pushed me to my limit and I could hear myself breaking. I was beginning to contemplate screaming and throwing my phone at my sister’s head. They never believed in me. They never believed that I was going to make it in life. How could I be so naive? I just thought that my own family would have my back. Aren’t they supposed to support me during my time of need? Aren’t my parents supposed to be happy for me?

“Stop!” The word just escaped my mouth. I could see the shock on my family’s faces. Even I could feel that I was shocked from that outburst.

“Sarah, how dare you!” My mother was outraged. Too bad. Twenty-one years of buildup and it is time to let it blow.

“You know what, I thought my own family would be proud of me. I can see that I was wrong.”

“We are proud of you.”

“No! None of y’all even said congratulations. None of y’all said you were happy for me. Not even a smile.”

“What do you want from us?” My father finally stepped in. I felt like I wasn’t even looking at my own father. The man I once called “daddy” was staring at me with disgust. That’s when it hit me. These people standing in front of me, telling me that the decision I made is wrong, they aren’t my family. They never were. If they were my family they would have been there for me all those years I was made fun of for being fat. Even they joined in on the mockery sometimes.

“You know what? I don’t want anything from y’all. Thank you for giving me a place to live all these years. Thank you for putting food on table. Thank you for raising me. But I’m not thanking you for loving me, because not once did I ever feel loved. I’m not even sure I know what love feels like, or if it even exists.”

“Oh hush! You are being dramatic!” My brother yelled.

“Dramatic is when dad made me run laps around the trailer for eating peach cobbler. Dramatic is when mom put me on diet pills at the age of nine. Dramatic is when y’all lock me in my room when we have company over. Dramatic is whe…”

“Enough Sarah!” My mother had heard all she could take.

“You’re right. It is enough.” With that said, I went to my room and packed all I could in my two suitcases that I had hidden away in the back of my closet. This is it. I am finally leaving this hell hole that I once called home.

“Where do you think you are going? As your father I forbid you to leave.” He was standing in between me and the front door, as if that was going to keep me from leaving.

“To be honest, I really don’t know. But I’m doing you all a favor and leaving this family for good. It will be a lot easier on y’all not having to hide from the embarrassment of having a fat daughter.” I can see that those words hit him deep. He stepped away from the door allowing me to pass through and finally gain freedom. As I walked down the driveway to my beat up car, I felt the need to get one last word in. I turned to see my parents, brother, and sister standing in front of the trailer watching me walk out of their lives. “All I wanted was for y’all to be happy for who I am. No diet fads and no more forcing me to exercise. Let’s face it, I am big, but I am also beautiful the way I am.” I didn’t stand there long to see the looks on their faces. I got in my car and drove, not knowing where I was going.

I don’t have any friends. I always stayed on the back burner because I was ashamed of the way I look. I was terrified to make any friends, because I was scared they would make fun of me.

I never met any of my family. Mostly because my parents left me home when there was family reunions. I really did have nowhere to go. Reality set in. I guess I could go anywhere. It’s not like I don’t have the money. I have plenty of money in my checking account to last me a couple of months. I even have money in savings.

I could go to the next town over and stay in the motel for the night…or I could go on a road trip to anywhere. There is no one for me to answer to. I am my own woman now. I’ve always wanted to go to New York and there is nothing stopping me.

What would I do in New York? I could find a job as a waitress and go to nursing school in the city. There are plenty of colleges I could apply to. To New York it is.

***Author's Note***

I hope you guys enjoy. I'm writing this story to help me get away from real life. Hopefully, it can do the same for you, if only for a few minutes. It's not perfect, but it is my baby.