Feels like Home

16. Can't Fight this Feeling

My tears were finally drying up. I was going back and forth between sadness and anger at Jason for ruining my graduation day.

I knew I should be reasonably grateful that it had taken a year and a half before our first real fight, but why did it have to be today? Today was supposed to be one of the best days of my life—one I will remember forever—and I've been sitting outside crying for the past thirty minutes, ever since my family and I returned home from my grandparents' party.

I wasn't sitting outside of my own home, though, I was sitting on the front porch steps of my old house. I knew it was vacant since the family who bought it from us got a new job and had to move out last week—Nancy always kept me up to date on neighborhood gossip.

I left my house to go the big graduation party but somehow ended up here. The parents' house has never really felt like home, and I needed to be comforted.

I tried to call Jason, to tell him I was sorry—for what, I'm still not completely sure—but he didn't answer my call. He was most likely drunk and having a great time, but I hoped he was a little sad about our earlier interaction.

He had wanted me to go to Stanley's lake house, where everyone in the graduating class would be—including Heather. At least she understood how important my family's party was to me; she never tried to convince me to go to Stanley's. I told Jason I needed to go to my grandparents—it was a tradition in my family—but I could come later. He said I should skip it, and I couldn't believe he had even suggested it.

My thoughts were interrupted by a voice, "Shouldn't you be out celebrating tonight?"

I looked up, startled. It was Beau. He was standing on the front walk-up, right in front me. I was so consumed with thinking of Jason, I hadn't heard him approach.

I tried to smile. "Yeah, I will probably head that way at some point."

"Do you want some company?"

I was surprised to realize that I actually did. I patted the spot next to me, and Beau dutifully sat down. The two of us hadn't been alone in years. Anytime I saw him now, it was when I visited Nancy. I used to see him and Luca, but Luca had moved out shortly after dropping out of school.

Beau and Luca both did and didn't look alike. Although they had the same bone structure, nose and hair, their eyes couldn't be more in contrast. Luca's eyes were restless, searching, always wondering, while Beau's eyes were calm, peaceful, wise beyond his years.

"Sorry I didn't make it to the ceremony today." Beau said, looking down. "I had to work."

I knew the real reason. Nancy had confided in me that it would just be too hard for them to come, knowing that Luca wouldn't be there with his class. I understood; the fact the Luca wouldn't graduate was hard for me, too. I had tried to contact him numerous times since he dropped out. He never answered; he didn't want anything to do with me.

I tried to change the subject. "You've been working all the time lately, I hear. What's going on? Are you saving up for a present from your girlfriend?" I elbow his side. I loved giving him a hard time; he always got so embarrassed.

He laughed but said, "No-no girlfriend. I'm working two jobs this summer for my college fund. I've been saving since I was a freshman and recently realized I'm going to need to step it up."

"I didn't know that." I started rubbing his back, back and forth between his shoulder blades like I did when I was comforting him as a kid.

"Well, my mom doesn't have the money for college and I'm not interested in graduating with tens of thousands of dollars in debt. I know college is my only way out of this town."

He yawned and I felt his back flex. Feeling his muscles, I had the sudden realization that Beau is, in fact, not a little kid anymore. I wonder if he's had sex? The thought made me immediately remove my hand from his back.

"I didn't know you hated it here so much."

"Well I don't hate everything." He was almost whispering, I looked up, into his warm, safe eyes. We looked at each other for several seconds before Beau began leaning into me. I couldn't move. I didn't know what to do—what I wanted to do.

His lips met mine, and I noticed how soft and full his lips were, more than Jason'...and Luca's. As his tongue began to lick my mouth, I was brought back to reality. I turned my head away. "Beau, I can't."

He solemnly noded his head. "Yeah...I figured."

"Wha—?"

"Don't, okay? Let's just forget this. I know you've always been into Luca. But...but I just had to see. This was my last chance."

"Last chance for what?"

"To see if there was even the remotest of possibilities that you felt a smidgeon for me what I've felt for you since...forever."

I placed my hand on his arm. "Beau, I'm sorry. I mean...maybe if I wasn't with Jason." Although I knew that wasn't entirely true. Beau was just...Beau. I had never had a single romantic thought about him before tonight, and I doubted I would after tonight, either.

"Sorry for what?" He winked at me. "Nothing happened."

We stand up together and hug a good, quality, friendship hug. "Don't worry about me." Beau whispers. "I actually think I needed this to be able to move on."

After he left, I wasn't in the mood to party, so I just went home.

Is anyone not in love with Shelley? I think I might be too!