KISS KISS

1 - Dealing with the past

                                                                      KISS

- Picture of KISS

"So, how are you feeling today Kiss?" Doctor Hastings asked the minute I slumped sluggishly on her suede couch, flat on my back, gazing at her floral patterned wallpaper.

"The usual..." I started, heaving out a long sigh."I went on another date yesterday" Doctor Hastings gave me that knowing look, as if to say I should continue and with another deep breath, I did just that. "It didn't go so well, he was everything I wanted in a man, well appearance wise anyway. You know Doc, he had the cheek to tell me I'm cold, said I didn't have any sense of humour and that not every man I come across should be punished for another man’s mistake" I fake laughed, trying to lighting up the atmosphere as Doc stared at me with one brow raised. "I honestly don't know what he's talking about" I shrugged nonchalantly and Doc coughed, crossing her legs, patronising me with her grey sparkling eyes until I gave in. “Okay maybe he was right, in some aspects. But I am most certainly not cold” I said, trying to convince myself more than Doctor Hastings who was staring right into my eyes, reading me like an open book, knowing the hidden truth I chose to bury deep down. Even if I was cold, it wasn’t intentional, I didn’t plan on being this way, I just couldn’t help it I guess.

“Kiss, this has been the 10th date you’ve been on in less than two weeks. You keep blaming the men but have you sat down and considered your part take in this matter?” She effectively asked and there was silence, it was my turn to sit and listen while Doc spoke, defining some of my doings, behaviour and approach towards men. She was wrong though, it was actually my 12th date I had been on in less than two weeks and each and every one of them was an understatement of failure.

“I’ve been seeing you for the past four years and only see little improvement in your behaviour and way of thinking. This is due to you not wanting to let go of the hurt and pain love once caused you, many years ago. You can leave someone but its optional wither you want to let go. Kiss, you want to get married am I right?” I nodded feeling the thrilling sensation of happiness run down my spine, as the images of my imagination flashed before my eyes.”Want to have kids?” I nodded again, combined with a bright gleeful smile reflecting my emotion of hope and excitement. “And continue to push your career to the highest of your ability correct?” I nodded lastly inviting the determination and positivity to invade my racing thoughts; I sat up so that I could directly face her.

“Well you can do all those things once you’ve let go. I’ve got a task for you Kiss” She said displaying a mischievous facial expression that somehow made me worried, scared but yet dying to know what task she had awaiting for me would be and how I’d react.”I want you to write down everything, feelings and emotions linked to Cameron, then I want you to burn it, watch it burn and as you watch it burn, I want you to burn all the memories that taunt your mind along with it”

I thought about what Doctor Hastings said and knew it wasn’t a bad idea. However, was I ready to let go of Cameron? Mentally? Emotionally? Spiritually? Questions drowned my thoughts, so much that I felt I was twirling around with full speed, slowly but surely becoming dizzy. This was all too much for me, all too much to digest and to accept; it was almost impossible letting go of Cameron which also meant letting go of what we had.

I wondered deeply if he had moved on and found himself a beautiful, independent, confident woman who knew what she wanted in life? A woman who was certain and didn’t send him mix messages, like what I used to do. I was young back then, foolish, naive and easily lead; I was caught, trapped and disorientated mentally. Why? Well I was suffocated with the affection and attention from two men who were highly interested in me, I was torn in-between the two and didn’t know what to do as Letoya Luckett lyric’s bombarded my situation with understanding.