The Secret Admirer |BL|

Chapter 9 - Yours Ever Lovingly.

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He paused by his door and looked down the hall –It looked empty, gray, quiet and chilling. Something didn't feel right to him. But then again, nothing ever felt right after anymore. As he entered into his silent apartment he shoved his hand into his pocket and pulled out the scrunched up note he had found in Julian's car. He hadn't had time to read it when he was back inside the car. In that exactly second Julian had walked out from the house and Marcus could only think to hide the note. He wanted to know what it said. He didn't know what to make of it; he only caught a glimpse of who the note was addressed to. But he wasn't entirely sure, he could have been seeing things, he thought. The note made his skin crawl, stomach turn and fear boil. It was a note, a signed note.

It was addressed to him.

Marcus Berkley,

I should be honest with you... I have admired you since long ago. Admiration may not even be the correct word anymore. At first I ignored it, you know how it is, you think you like someone but in the end it turns out you don't. So I ignored it, but now I can't ignore it anymore. It took me a while to figure out why. But once I figured it out, that was all I could think of. All I could ever think of was you...

So, in a failed attempt to get myself closer to you, I have in fact distanced myself from you. I don't know what I'm talking about Marcus...not anymore. Maybe it's like what my brother says; maybe I really have lost my mind.

You and I have passed each other many times in the halls. You just never really noticed me. To you, I'm invisible. I think that's what hurts most. Knowing what I do, I have to keep it to myself. It's not exactly something I can go around telling people.

Though you should know, I would have never done this if I hadn't seen you so sad that day. All that sorrow that I saw, tipped me over the edge. But I may have crossed the line. Writing to you makes me feel closer to you, and now I'm finding it hard to stop. But that's no excuse. It feels almost like an addiction. Every time I see you talking someone else that is not me, I feel frustrated, angry. In those moments I just want to pull you away and keep you all to myself, that's not entirely possible is it now?

I know you will never see this, so I don't really see any reason to not write the absolute truth. If you did see this...God I rather not think about what would happen. If you ever read this and ask me about it, I just may loose control and kiss you like I've been dying to.

When you first started to work for our firm, I was rather reluctant to take you in, but there was something about you that was so admirable. The way you spoke and acted was all too entertaining for me. I was simply taken by you. That's just putting it all lightly. I think it was more like, the more I watched you the stronger the feelings grew. At first though, I thought I was just impressed by your continued enthusiasm, the way how you did everything and got along with everyone. You don't see that often. But then I realized that it was something more. It was a feeling that made me feel things I never felt towards other people. I was jealous when you spoke to others, especially Anna.

I should have spoken to you, like all those moment when I wanted to. But I didn't. Instead I hid from you, as I always do. That is my one and only regret. I keep thinking that IF I did talk to you things would be different. Better maybe.

Being attracted to a Man isn't easy for me. I'm not closeted, it's just that it isn't easy with who I am. So much is expected of me and my personal feelings come second to my work. In all honesty, I didn't know how you would react to it. What if you were repulsed by these feelings I had for you, what would I do then? I rather not get rejected by the one person that I want to be liked by. So I stayed away, at least, as your superior I get to see you everyday, speak to you without having to worry about you wondering 'why'.