North Road {HS}

27. Pierce

I hadn't been scared of a whole lotta things in my life. Things came and things went and I fought for them with all the strength the Lord God had given until he saw fit to take them away again.

So to say I hadn't been scared is to say I had lived half of my life scared shitless that the next thing would slip through my fingers. During the war it became a natural part of life and I thrived off of the adrenaline.

But there I was, living a life I would consider pretty damn near perfect- the life I had always dreamed of- and I had never been more terrified. Because this time the disappearing act would be all the more painful if it came. Or worse, what if I disappeared? What if I lost myself like so many men tend to do when they're left half? Because the truth is that none of us were whole anymore. And despite feeling full to overflowing right now I wasn't immune to that lull in the dark of the night. The one that reminded men like me of the ache. The ache that resembled an empty belly but couldn't be alleviated with any amount of home cooking or whiskey.

I had always chased the unknown because for all I knew the unknown could be the best thing that would ever happened to me. But now the best thing that could ever happen to me had already happened. She was asleep in my arms under the blanket of warm summer night. We had snuck out to meet under the big willow as had become our custom. Our lips would meet and our hearts would dance and then we would sneak back in before morning. I wouldn't tell Adelaide, but I supposed most everyone knew what we were up to and pretended not to.

But now it no longer mattered if they knew or not.

Everyone knew I loved her. I knew with all my heart. And though that fact terrified me it also made me feel alive.

No, it was the baby that she had spoken of quietly as she settled into my arms just before falling asleep that had my blood running cold.

"I'm scared, but I feel safe," she had whispered, "You'll be a lovely father and I supposed we ought to be married soon. Better for scandal and all that."

And maybe it was because I had lived my whole life without any of it- without love and connection- that I had always imagined grand proposals and declarations of love instead of confessions of hushed devotion under the willow and a, "we oughtta get married."

But there was a baby now. And we ought to get married. And even if Laidey thought our midnight meetings were a secret they wouldn't be anymore.

And maybe this was the unknown- how I learned to become a man and left my daddy behind. And maybe I was scared witless.