Illegal My Ass

Chapter 24- 'He's sat on a toilet, high & singing the Family Guy theme tune.'

He furrowed his brows “You can read Mexican?”

I glare at him “No, I can read English, which is written on the bottle along with 3 other languages.”

He forms an ‘O’ with his mouth and nods, suddenly staring around the room like he is fascinated.

“It says on there you may feel drowsy, hallucinate slightly, have uncontrollable diarrhoea or feel a little hyperactive. I hope it’s the shits.” I grin at him.

He turns back to me with a grin matching mine “No you don’t, you have to share a bathroom with me for another day.”

I realise he has a point and grimace as I realise how badly that side effect could side effect all of us. I also imagined the reaction of the Hilton twins and realised every bad thing has a silver lining.

 I walked over to the counter by the sink, got the needle and thread out and began to sterilise it with the bottle of vodka. I don’t even know if vodka can be used to sterilise things, but fuck it only one way to find out. As I said, he made me do this. If his arm has to be amputated it’s no one’s fault but his own.

“Wow, how do you know how to do that?” his voice cuts through my thoughts, and I turn my head to see him staring at me with his eyes wide in fascination, his eyes slightly glazed over.

“Grey’s Anatomy.” I reply, shaking my head as I realise the pills may be starting to kick in.

“The fact that you watch that show and have learned how to do all of that, is just, I mean… I can’t explain how mind blowing that is Mia.” He drawls out, shaking his head in amazement. I bite back a laugh. The pills have definitely kicked in.

“Yeah, mind blowing.” I reply, shaking the needle to get the extra vodka off of it.  I start to put the thread through the needle which is hard enough as it is, let alone when you have a guy who’s baked sat on a toilet singing the theme tune to Family Guy.

I finish what I'm doing with the needle, grab the vodka bottle and walk over to the toilet which Drake is sat on. I sit on the corner of the tub and lean forward as I take a deep breath to calm my nerves as I realised I would actually have to do this now.

“Lucky there’s a family guy…” he sings under his breath slightly, bobbing his head slightly and looking straight ahead of him “…Lucky there’s a man who, positively can do, all the things that make us laugh and cry…” he stops singing and looks at me, his expression amused as he lets out a laugh “I always think he’s saying ‘effing cry’, not ‘laugh and cry. Don’t you think he's saying ‘effing cry?’”

He looks at me as he waits eagerly for my reply, his eyes glistening and a sloppy grin on his face.

I take another mouthful of vodka, resisting the urge to cry in desperation.

I've been left to sew up and play doctor to a man who is high off some back alley Mexican pills.

This ladies and gentlemen, is my life.

“Can I have a bit of that? My tongues gone really dry.” He asks pointing with his good arm at the vodka bottle. Suddenly he starts darting his tongue out of his mouth like a lizard as an attempt to make his tongue wetter.

I put my head in my hands “Why me? I try and be a good person…”

I hear a chuckle and look up at him “Good person?” he asks with his brows raised.

I was just about to hit him when it dawned on me he may have a point. I wasn’t exactly a poster child or a church.

“I used to go to church I will have you know.” I inform him as I place the vodka bottle on the floor and out of his reach. He was clearly high. I don’t think adding vodka to the mix will make the situation any better.