Not so secret. . .

First time.

I sat on my family's porch reading  book. I had always loved Danielle Steel. Well, my family made me love her because I've read every novel in ny house and most of them were written by her. I was currently reading Big Girl. Also one of her books. I put on my earphones, avoiding everything. Despite the quiet neighborhood, my three brothers and sister were noisy. They were always fighting. I was the last, which was kind of amazing. I loved how my brothers threatened every boy who wanted to "talk to me". Really. I knew that whenever one asked to, he'd want to ask me out, and i never wanted that. At first my brothers ticked me off, but I've realized that it had been a blessing in disguise.

I listened to Bruno Mars's voice as he sang The Lazy Song. I loved it, and no one was there, so i decided to sing along.

"...Don't feel like picking up my phone
So leave a message at the tone
Coz today i swear I'm not doing anything
Nothing at all
Ooohh ooohh oooh
Nothing at all
ooohh oooh oooh"

I looked around and was a little but shocked to have seen a girl standing on my gateway, smiling as she looked at me. 'oh me God she heard me sing' i thought to myself. I was so embarrassed. I felt my cheeks turn red and i looked down at my book again.  When i lifted my head again she was gone, and i sighed in relief. She heard me sing. I was really embarrassed. No one besides my family has heard me sing before. Not even my so called friend at school. To be honest, i didn't understand how i became friends with Lesedi Melawana.
She was cool yeah i could give her that. People liked her too, but only because they didn't know her. She was a two faced chick who knew nothing else but spread rumours about people. She was too talkative, too girly, as straight as a pole, and pretty much everything about her was completely different to who i was.
I was an introvert, and she was the only friend I've ever had. Besides my twin sister who had died the year before.
Bonni (Bonang). We were so close, like we shared one soul. I could swear that when she got sick i did too, and it was kind of weird. I loved her more than anyone. There was no place i was where she wasn't. We were both introverts and scared of the outside world, but we faced it together. We went everywhere together. I was there when that red car run her over. I watched it all, i watched as it picked her up and threw her hard on the ground and hit her head,  and i didn't help. I wanted to, but Eric, my oldest brother was holding me back. I ran to her after the car had gotten away and watched as blood spilled out of her nose and mouth. She was gulping and seeking for breath, until she looked at me and smiled, took her final breath and closed her eyes peacefully. She had stopped breathing, and it felt like i had too. It was just two days before our birthday, and we were supposed to celebrate it together. But she was gone. I became too depressed after her death.
I was traumatized they said, but i knew that wasn't the case. I had lost myself. Bonnie was just me, we were one person, one soul, but she was dead, and i felt like it too. I had never felt alive after her death, and sometimes I just forgot how to breathe. That was how it was then. We had moved out of our house after a month or two after Bonnie died, and lived with my aunt in the suburbs. She had the most wonderful house, but then she too died a week later, along with my littlest brother Boipelo, leaving us her house.
I felt as though my life was just a horrible dream i couldn't wake up from.
My parents had seven children. It was Eric who was twenty eight, Brian who was two years younger than the oldest. There was the first set of twins who were eighteen year olds, (boy, Kgotso and girl Kgomotso). Then there was Bonnie and I. We were just two years younger than Kgomotso and Kgotso, and the last, Boipelo, who was supposed to be 5.
Now, mom and dad were left with five children. Bonnie died the month she was supposed to be turning 15 in 2017, and little Brian died when he was just four years old. It was heartbreaking as he was the apple of everyone's eye.
I was never glad that i had survived. I remember overdosing drugs one time, and my dad yelled at me for being so stupid. He told me that Bonnie was dead and i was alive, so i should start acting like it, but i felt dead too. The pills were just to ensure that my body too was no longer active in the real world. This cruel world.
I hated it. . . I hated everything about it. I'd like to think that I have never been able to feel anything after her death except anger and emptiness.
But hey, even though I didn't feel like it, i was alive, and i had to live.