Acrophilia

XXVIII: fading

"NO!" Jaebeom screams at the top of his lungs, sprinting forward, hands desperately trying to cling to thin air.

The rail stops him, he holds his breath as he stares down, looking for Jinyoung, too scared to even think. This is exactly like his nightmares about Jinyoung, being too late, incapable of saving the younger. And just like in his dreams, there's no sign of Jinyoung. No body falling, or any disturbance on the ground. No one has stopped, no one has screamed.

Nothing has happened.

Jaebeom still can't breathe.

"I'm not really alive..." someone speaks from behind, voice cracky as if uttering those words was more than he was capable of.

Jaebeom turns around and there's Jinyoung again, still as a student, too young to be his friend, but still the same boy he's grown so close with. There he is, a living contradiction.

"But I'm not dead either," Jinyoung continues, his eyes watering and Jaebeom doesn't understand. How can Jinyoung be in front of him, as a middle schooler, crying? It makes no sense.

How can he even be there when Jaebeom saw him falling down?!

"What's this?" Jaebeom breathes out, choked and shaky, his whole body is trembling and he feels weak. It's just the shock, he knows it, but his head is spinning and it's not helping in any way. "I don't understand. You just jumped off!"

"I jumped... but I can't die, not like this."

Jinyoung is trying to explain himself, but it makes no sense to Jaebeom. Sure, the younger has always been vague and it's been up to Jaebeom to figure the meaning behind his friend's words. Just now Jaebeom thinks that maybe he never really listened to what Jinyoung was saying.

"Are you... are you a ghost?" Jaebeom asks because nothing else comes to his head and now he's scared because the situation seems too much for him.

"No," Jinyoung replies. "But I'm not exactly alive. Not like you, at least. My body is technically alive, but not on its own," student Jinyoung says and Jaebeom takes a deep breath, listening carefully, expectant and hoping things make sense at some point. He needs to understand.

"Then what are you?"

"I'm memories," Jinyoung replies and now Jaebeom is shaking his head.

"It doesn't make sense!" He screams, rubbing his hands over his face, pinching himself as a last hope that maybe he's just dreaming. The pain is there, and the feeling he's suffocating.

"My body is in a coma," the younger begins. "My soul isn't there, as I'm not living on my own but assisted, but I'm not really dead yet. I'm in a kind of limbo. Depending on how close to death my body is, I materialise in different versions of myself. I assume my body must be dreaming, or reminiscing and that's how I'm projected. That's why I never look the same, because some days I'm younger than others," Jinyoung continues and even if he's speaking slowly, it's too fast for Jaebeom.

He's barely grasping all the story.

"I don't have control of when it happens or how, I'm conscious at some point, finding myself somewhere when I was at some point of my life."

"No, that's not true. You show up every day to meet me," Jaebeom refutes, shaking his head, clenching his fists so tight he's burying his nails in his palms.

A painful reminder that it's happening.

"At first I really didn't have any control, I just showed up at certain places. But then, as my desire to meet you grew stronger, I started to come out every day, and go where I knew I'd find you. But that also depends on how my body is doing. Remember that time when I didn't show up? My body was closer to die, so I wasn't able to come out."