The Broken Danvers Sister

Chapter 4

Alex's P.O.V.

"We all need to talk," Kara announces and my heart instantly drops. I immediately feel like I need to throw up. Swallowing my fear, I nod and shakily stand up. My legs collapse underneath me as soon as I put all of my weight on them.

"Whoa there, Alex. I've got you," Maggie says, reacting quickly and catching me before I can hit the ground. I mutter a shaky thank you as she helps me back onto the bed.

"We'll talk here," Kara says gently, coming over to sit on the bed. She hops lightly onto it and sits facing Maggie and me. I curl back up into Maggie, this time sitting up.

"Alex, we're not here to judge you, we just want to help. You can talk to us," Kara starts off and I nod my head nervously.

"How long has this been going on?" My sister asks, looking at me kindly.

"A few months, maybe a year," I mumble, mostly to myself, but I know both of them heard me.

"I should've known. I mean, I'm your girlfriend for God sakes," Maggie mutters, sounding angry at herself.

"Hey, it's not your fault. It's my own dumb fault, nobody else's." I shake my head at myself and sit up, distancing myself from Maggie.

"No, I should've known. I should've known since you've barely let me touch you these past few months, or the extended periods in the bathroom or... or... I should've known!" Maggie cries out and I look at my hands, ashamed of the fact that I've made her upset.

"Maggie," I hear Kara say in a warning tone. I look up, glancing between the two women in front of me who are having a conversation with their eyes that I can't decipher. Maggie tears her gaze away from Kara's with a nod of her head.

"Alex, you could've of told us. We both love you and we would've- we are- going to do anything we can to help," Kara continues and I nod, once again feeling guilty.

"Hey, you've done nothing wrong," Maggie reassures me gently, picking up on my guilt. I nod, trying to avoid looking them in the eyes.

"Can you tell us why this started?" Maggie gently touches my knee as a calming gesture. I take a deep breath and nod again.

"I just... everything... it just," I pause and take another deep breath, "Everything was getting so stressful and... and I felt like I could never do anything right and... and I was so desperate to feel something other than... other than guilt and anxiety," I trail off, scared of how they're going to react.

"Alex, babe, whenever you feel like this, just remember you can come and talk to either of us at anytime. And I know, I really do, that it isn't always going to be enough and it won't be an instant fix but we're going to try to help as much as we can. You just need to talk to us," Maggie says with no hint of judgement or anger in her voice, just love and care.

"Why does it matter, nobody cares about me anyway?" I whisper to myself and I instantly regret saying anything. I see both girls straighten up immediately and become completely concerned. I should've known they would both hear me. I'm so dumb.

"I care and Kara cares, dammit. We don't want to see you hurt, or worse. I don't know what I would do if you... if you..." Maggie trails off as she starts crying.

I really shouldn't have said anything.

"It's fine. I'm fine. Nothing is going to happen, I promise."

"Don't you dare tell me your fine. You're most definitely not fine, Alex. This is not fine. And what if something does happen? What if one day you cut too deep, on purpose or on accident? Then what?" The intensity in Maggie's voice scares me and shoots pains of guilt into my stomach. I dig my nails into my palm to distract myself.

"Maggie!" Kara almost-shouts and gives her a look. Without a word, Maggie nods and leaves the room still crying. I immediately lay down and curl up into a ball, sobbing openly, my nails still clenched into my skin.

"She hates me! I've ruined everything! I'm such an idiot!" I cry out, completely hysterical. Kara moves towards me and picks me up with ease. She cradles me to her chest while I continue to sob.

"Hey, hey, Alex. Maggie doesn't hate you. She actually feels the opposite and that's why she's freaking out. She cares so much and she's so concerned that I think she got a little overwhelmed. You've done nothing wrong. Maggie was out of line and she knows that," Kara whispers into my ear fiercely and I pull away from her chest to look her in the eyes.

"She's right, you know. What if I do cut too deep? There's been days when I've really wanted to, so what's stopping me now? I might as well. I've already ruined so much, this would just be one more thing and at least I wouldn't be burdening you guys anymore," I start to rant but the look on Kara's face makes me stop. Tears are starting to well up in her eyes and she looks absolutely heartbroken. I look down at my hands, once again ashamed of myself.

"You are not a burden, Alex. We love you and want to make sure you're okay. We don't want to see you die. We'd all be devastated. You've done so much for everybody and we're so grateful, not annoyed or angry. And this doesn't change any of that." Kara runs her fingers through my hair comfortingly and I lean back into her chest, closing my eyes tiredly. I succumb to sleep without a fight, wanting to be peaceful for a little while.