I Never Planned on You // Davey Jacobs

Thirteen

Like a coward, I couldn't bring myself to go to the Refuge. My feet refused to travel in that direction, every step felt heavier and heavier. Unable to force myself to keep moving, I halted. Bracing my hand against the wall near me, the rough brick digging into my palms, I attempted to control my breathing. My anger was beginning to overwhelm me. At Snyder, at Crutchie for being a stubborn, stupid, insufferable boy, and at David for being an even bigger stupid, insufferable boy.

David. David's words echo my head over and over. Selfish. I tried to block it out but all I could hear was Crutchie screaming and David saying the one thing that could break me. The more I thought the more my emotions became harder to control until I snapped. Rearing my hand back, I slammed my fist against the brick, putting every bit of anger and frustration into it.

Screaming out as my hand struck solid material. It was suddenly too much. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't think. All I could feel was misery. So I slammed my fist against the wall again, anger clouding my mind. And again. And again. Trying to focus on something else. Now punching a very solid wall with a very breakable hand wouldn't seem like the best idea but I didn't care. I couldn't feel the pain in my hand when my knuckles split, blood smearing over my hand. I didn't care about any of the pain. I just wanted it to go away.

Giving one last punch, I leaned my head against the wall, my energy spent and my body empty. My knees weaken, unable to hold me anymore. Slipping down the wall, I curl my knees to my chest, feeling warmth on my cheeks. Lifting a hand to my cheek, I hadn't even released I'd been crying. I let the tears fall, my breath coming out in sobs, until there were none left to give. Talking huge gulps of air, I forced myself to calm down. Focusing, my breathing returned to normal but I remained still. I didn't have the energy to get up.

After minutes of staring at nothing, the tears had dried and I dragged my body up, my emotions had numbed from my outburst. It's like I could still feel the anger and despair welling inside me but I was detached from them. Like watching your life from the outside. So I started walking. Not really caring where my feet lead me, letting my muscles take over and retreating inside my mind.

I ended up at the bottom of the steps of the Lodge, my body lead me there on memory. Looking up, my eyes scanned the outside of the building. The cracks spanning across the bricks, the dirt smudging the windows, the bird shit decorating the top part of the building from the pigeons that occupy Manhattan. This was my home. Normally loud, chaotic, and full of laughter, the place felt and looked lifeless. Empty. Or maybe it was just me and I was projecting how I felt onto my vision.

Sighing, I trudged up the steps, my boots scraping the ground beneath me. Reaching for the door, I hesitate, my fingertips a hair's breadth from the doorknob. I wasn't in the mood to deal with anyone at the moment. What if David was in there? Was I ready to face him? Judging by the rage stirring up in my blood at the mere thought, I guessed that was a no. I doubt he'd be here anyways. If I were him, I would've found Les and gone home, safe and sound. Why would he want to be anywhere near me right now.

Shaking myself out of my thoughts, I shoved my growing anger aside and opened the door, the hinges creak at the motion. Stepping over the threshold, I'm greeted by silence, my body stiffens with confusion. Closing the door behind me, I check the bottom floor, all the rooms were empty. None of the boys were here. Strange that they didn't gather here after the attack. But if they're not here then that must mean they're at Jacobi's, the only other hangout the newsies frequented. Good. Better the boys be there then here with me.

I retreated up the staircase and to my room, deciding that I would take a nap. You can't be angry or sad or miserable when you're asleep. Not bothering to slip my boots off, I crawl into bed, wrapping the blanket around me. Closing my eyes, I relaxed my body, praying for sleep to take me. I tried and failed to fall asleep, twisting and turning to get comfortable. My body protested any sudden movements. Minutes of waiting felt like hours and sleep never claimed me. Frustrated, I kicked off the blanket, my feet getting tangled. Throwing my feet over the side of the bed, I sat up, placing my hands on either side of my body.