Humans Of Coffee World

Stay-At-Home

I remember Erum very clearly, because I think I identified with her more than any other home visit participant. 

All of the others were domesticated creatures; content to be the bearer of their man's progeny. Toiling away in their tiny rudimentary kitchens, making food that is tailor-made to please the man of the house.

"Ki fayeda? kay hum kuch bnayen, jo humen pasand ho, par woh nai khaye?"

(What's the point? If we make our favorite dish to eat, and he doesn't prefer it?) 

This is rural Punjab. Where Man is King and Woman is rarely allowed to have opinions that matter. 

The Internalized Misogyny is so well woven in their DNA, you'd be surprised to hear some of the things that come out of people...people who possess ovaries. 

Erum was a refreshing change. 

Even though she lived in a hovel. Even though she was living under the strategic thumb of her Mother-In-Law. Even though she had been forced to forsake her own colorful personality to fit in the typical "Rural/Stay-at-home" female. 

A practicing mid-wife prior to her marriage, Erum was forced to quit her job (a job she loved) when she got married and moved to another village. Her mother-in-law (also a practicing Mid-Wife), runs an in-house maternity center of sorts. (I say 'of sorts', because the "House" is a three storey/3-roomed hovel that reminds me of Rapunzel's tower, because everything's is close-spaced and vertical...)

Also, nothing in the house suggests that the space is sterile or safe to birth babies, but the ladies swear they deliver kids every other week "In that room right there" (Ew.) I see empty syringes stuck in in the metal design of a window grill. When I ask if they dispose off used syringes, the mother-in-law assures me that "only safe" syringes are used on their clients. (Not convinced). 

When a client comes in for her prenatal shot, I see Erum handling it expertly. When the client leaves, her payment goes directly into the hands of the mother-in-law (UNFAIR!). 

When we corner Erum alone she opens up a little bit. 

"I would love to go out and work like I used to. Heck, I'd love to go out anywhere at all. This feels like a prison sometimes!" She laughs to undermine the seriousness of her feelings. 

She moved to a new city 2 years ago. She gave birth to her 2 children inside this very house. It's been two years, and she has no idea what her new Home City looks like. We've been in Sahiwal for 4 days, and we've seen more of it than her. 

Then a neighbor lady joins our conversation. Curious eyes sizing up our attire. She stares long and hard at my Skechers. I stare right back. 

"What do you think, is your biggest challenge as a woman in Sahiwal?" my co-worker asks Erum. 

"Personal freedom." Erum replies, "I can't do what I'm good at. Just because I was born female. I can't work at a hospital, and earn my fair share of wages."

Neighbor lady chimes in; "A woman who steps out of the Chaar Dewari (Four walls aka Home) becomes corrupted, and becomes fair game to the men in the society". She sweeps a self-righteous sideways glance at us three corrupted women sitting on the couch with our recording phones.

 "That's unfair and untrue," Erum replies sharply, "I think that girls who go out to work, are much more mature, worldly and aware of their surroundings. They are smart enough to take care of themselves. They're so busy making their careers, they don't have time for Those Things. I have taken care of my fair share of such cases. Cases of girls who stayed right inside their Chaar Dewari." She glares meaningfully at Neighbor Lady.

For the record; she was hinting that she had performed illegal abortions in her own home. "Mistakes" made by unmarried girls, who dared to step out of their true domain; their One True Prison. 

I wanted to hug her right there, but the sanitary nature of her job forced me to give her a secret thumbs-up instead. 

Have you ever experienced internalized misogyny? (Case In Point : Neighbor Lady) What was your reaction to it?