savior

thirty two

DAY TWENTY THREE; EIGHT DAYS TO GO

I've never felt as stupid as I did these past few days in my whole entire life. The thought of finally seeing my dad for the first time in a super long time got to me, and it was all I could think about. I didn't care one bit about what Ashton had to say. But I regretted it. Ashton was being nothing but a friend to me, and I blew it. I was supposed to be the one helping him out, but it turns out nothing good was happening, and I was the reason for that. 

I wish I could get Death to reverse time again, to that night when I had been nothing but mean to Ashton. He didn't deserve for me to act like that to him. Three days have passed and he still didn't talk to me, look at me, or even awknowledge my existence. I looked over at Michael, who was giving me the same looks he had given me the first time we "met" in class, when I sat next to the two of them. I had hurt his best friend. I deserved them.

Nothing was going right. This morning, when I tried sitting next to them like I normally would, they didn't say hello to me, but instead, they started a few conversations about me. Some involved the shirts I was wearing, or how I had worn my hair. The two were being very childish. And the same goes for lunch. When I tried sitting at our table, they both stood up, gave me a look of annoyance, and found somewhere else to sit, two or three tables down. 

This must have been how Ashton felt, being alone all the time. If I could've changed what I said to him, I would in a heartbeat, because not only was this situation making me sad, but I could see it in Ashton's eyes that it pained him to walk away from me. He was truly one of the only real friends I had ever had, other than my dad. 

And my dad wasn't wishing to die. I had never even thought about that when I was acting the way I was. All I cared about was me. But I was caught up in the moment. I hadn't seen my dad is so long because of the stupid mistakes my mom had made. It made me sick to my stomach just thinking about it, and Ashton knew that, because I had built up the courage to tell him, and he listened to me. But now that I made a mistake, just like my mother, Ashton was gone. It was ironic, because my mom wanted my father back as much as I wanted Ashton back. It was like we were taking their place. 

I wasn't completely alone at lunch, because as he's been doing so for the past few days, Luke accompanied me. He tried to make conversation, and sometimes he tried forcing me to eat even though I told him I wasn't hungry, and overall, he was being even more annoying than usual. "Did you and Ashton, like, have a fight or something? You didn't tell him that I told you about the disorder, did you?" 

I shook my head and uneffortlessly scooped up some Jell-O from its container. I wasn't in the mood to eat. I needed to tell Ashton I was sorry, but I couldn't find the courage to get up. Now that I thought more about it, maybe it wasn't Anna, Michael, and Calum that I had to watch out for, but it was Ashton. I wasn't paying any attention to him at all that day, because I was too focused on something else, and that's when everything went downhill.

Sure, Ashton didn't need my attention every second of every day, because that would be creepy, but maybe he needed it most when I wasn't giving it to him. Thinking about it all made my head hurt. And thinking about possibly losing Ashton forever almost made me burst into tears. I needed him, as much as I tried to deny it to myself. He was really the only person keeping me sane at the moment, and I just let him slip through my fingers like sand. 

He deserved better friends than me. I was glad he at least had Michael. "So, uh, do you want me to go talk to him for you?" Luke suggested, like it was going to help at all. If anything, he would only make everything worse. 

"No. It's my problem. I need to fix it myself," I said quietly. My voice was drained of emotion. This whole thing was tearing me up inside more than I thought it would. I played with my food. 

"Then why aren't you doing anything?" he asked. I almost hit him, and told him to leave me alone, but I didn't, because I knew he was right. I needed to fix things between Ashton and I, or else we could both kiss the world goodbye. I couldn't let that happen to him. So I scooted my chair back, stood up, and started walking over to the table that Ashton and Michael were sitting at. 

As I approached, I watched Michael whisper something into Ashton's ear. He looked over, and when he saw that his best friend was right, his eyes widened, but he turned his face away. I so wasn't going to get through to him if he was going to act like that. I was right next to him when I said, "Ashton. We need to talk, like, right now." My hands were shaking. 

"I don't want to talk to you," he said in a low voice, keeping his eyes on the sandwich in his hands. 

"But we need to talk. It's important." 

He looked me in the eyes. His own were red, probably from crying angry tears. I knew he was a strong guy, he had to be with all that was going on, but sometimes he needed to cry. Everyone needed to cry. Just looking at him looking so pained made me want to cry. I probably ruined everything that was going for us. Why did my dad have to call in the first place? 

"I said no, Armel. Go away, please," Ashton said, turning his eyes away from me. The way his voice cracked when he said that made me want to stop everything and hug him to death. And I noticed the way that he called me by my last time. I didn't want to be too hopeful, but maybe there was something in his brain telling him not to let me go completely. There was definetely that something in my brain then, and that's why I wasn't giving up. 

I took a seat right next to him. Michael took that as a cue to leave. When he stood up, taking his tray in one hand, he patted Ashton on the shoulder with the other one and walked away. I was thankful that at least he was a little understanding. He let out what he needed to say to me, and in return he was allowing me to let out what I needed to say to Ashton. 

"Get this over with, okay, Armel? I don't want to talk to you again," he said, biting into his sandwich. He didn't face me. I don't think I would've been able to speak if he did. 

I wasn't sure whether or not I liked Ashton, but I knew that I had screwed up with him, and seeing the hurt on his face was only going make me feel more guilty about hurting him. He was such a great, sweet, generous guy, and he didn't deserve to have people hurt him. I wish I would've thought about it. Maybe going to Florida would be a stupider decision than I thought. If it meant leaving Ashton behind, it wasn't worth it. 

"I understand why you're angry at me, Ashton. And I'll admit it, I'm probably more pissed at myself than you are," I started. I meant it. These past few days have been nothing but agony. I missed Ashton talking to me every night before I went to bed, or in the hallways in between classes, or even texting me in the middle of classes. I missed everything about him. He made me laugh, want to punch him the face, smile, feel sorry for myself, and feel like a completely different person all at the same time. 

"Go on." 

This time Ashton was looking at me. "I—well, look, uh, my dad he—he called for the first time in months, and, well, Kaitlynn, she talked to him. He invited us to live with him and I was so ready to get out. My mom, you know, she doesn't really care about me since the miscarriage. The first thing I wanted to do was pack up my bags and get the hell out, and that's what I was doing."

I looked at him, to see if he would come up with some response. He didn't. I took another look right into his eyes, and I could see that he was still very, very sad, and my story was probably not making anything better. 

"I was so focused on getting out, that I didn't even care that you were sitting there, waiting for me to—I don't know—just be there with you. And it sucks to say it, but it's true. I regret it all," I said, looking down at my lap. "From ignoring you, to saying what I said to you. It wasn't the right thing to do, and I'm so sorry."

Ashton still didn't say anything, and I was beginning to get anxious. Everything was going so right between us, and in one day, I blew it. That was probably the stupidest things I've ever done. Sometimes I was such an idiot. I don't know how Ashton could've put up with me. 

Suddenly something happened that had never happened before. Ashton hugged me—first. This time, I was the one caught off guard, but as soon as his arm wrapped around me, I relaxed and did the same. I didn't even care if people were watching us. This needed to happen. It felt good to have him back. Those three days without him almost killed me.

Ashton let me go. A big smile was plastered on his face. Maybe he missed me, too.