Time Capsule

Chapter 28

Time Capsule

Chapter 28

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Niall...

"Screwed up bastard!" I shouted as I hurled a rock at the water.

I was in the woods, at our spot, and I had been here all day. I wanted to hang out with Annabelle, but she had plans with Melanie. But it was better off that way. I needed to clear my head and be alone for a while.

The whole week with her had been great and terrible. Having my best friend back, and just getting to hear her laugh and watch her smile, has been amazing. But on the downside, every time I looked at her, I couldn't help but think of everything I had done. I remembered the times I cornered her in the bathroom and touched her in inappropriate places. I remembered all the cruel names I called her, and the crude things I said to her. Every time I stared into her eyes, I remembered the fear that she would look at me with as she pleaded for me to stop. Every time I caught a glimpse of her wrist, I imagined her curled up in her bathroom, slicing at her fragile skin. Every time I saw the bruises and choke marks on her neck, I remembered when I choked her here, and all those times I left unwanted love bites. All with the lousy intention of forgetting my own misery.

And worst of all, when we are in my room and she lays on my bed, I see the pictures in my mind. They come to life in my brain and I see her getting raped and tormented by those pigs.

It's tearing me apart.

It's eating me alive.

She always notices when I had thoughts like this. I spaced out and looked physically distressed, so she pulled me back and would say I need to forgive myself. As much as I wanted to, for her, I couldn't. All I saw myself as was a monster. I couldn't help it. I had been having terrible nightmares every night, imagining her getting tormented. Sometimes it was me, sometimes it was them. But no matter what, they were always just as bad. Her screams, her pleas, her begging me to stop, or to save her. I'd wake up in the middle of the night and want nothing more than to go over to the guest room and hold her. But I didn't deserve to. I didn't deserve to hold her in my sleep for comfort. I didn't deserve to lay in the same bed as her when I used to want to do dirty things to her in one. I didn't even deserve to be spending time with her and for her to be giving me a second chance after the horrid stuff I've done.

I don't deserve it.

A sliver of me wanted to push her away. She deserved a better friend. Someone that wasn't an asshole that has done so much irreversible damage. But the bigger part of me, the part that's a selfish, needy fucking bastard, wanted to keep her close and never let go. That stupid part was obviously winning.

She's lying to you, Niall. She hates you. You ruined her life. You ruined HER. And she hates you for it. She's too good of a person and feels bad for you.

Shut up. Just stop it.

You know it, Niall. You are a monster. You are filth. You are the trash at the bottom of a waste bin. You are nothing but a disappointment to the human race. You deserve to rot.

"Stop it!" I screamed through the forest as I crouched down, covering my ears.

I had been dealing with this since I found out. My mind attacks itself and my subconscious, and I can't stop it. I feel like I was going crazy, which maybe I was.

I needed to release some anger or something. I think the main reason that I couldn't let go is because I knew those assholes were still roaming free without punishment. Maybe if I released some of my anger on them, some of the guilt would go. As stupid as that sounded. I just felt like I needed to make them pay for what they did to her, and I wasn't doing any justice by letting them get away with it.