Diary Of A Depressed Being

Finding Out The Things Inside Me

29th December 2012. I never thought I would write in this diary again. It just brings so many memories. I grabbed the diary and started reading the pages. I realized that these pages are made to be turned. Even when everything falls apart and nothing makes sense. The story, my story must go on. For it is the next page that makes a reader feel that the character might have a happy ending. Although, that's not the case here. I'll come to this point later. Throughout life, there would be some certain people whose certain doings would fill your heart with hatred. But we shouldn't. Because hate in our heart will commence to consume us too. So, I think I have forgiven Katy for this. She doesn't know that I know what happened. I'm not even going to the high-school. She calls but I receive it and hang it up every time. Because I think talking to her would make me lose myself. 

There will always be a reason why you meet some certain people. Either they will change your life or you are the one that will change theirs. And I have changed. Who I am now is a stranger to who I was ten years ago. Ten years from now I will be a stranger to who I am now. It's natural. And like I said change is a rule of life. Constantly adjusting and constantly adapting. Like river under the rain or our real face under the public facade. The people who changed my life are Jacob and Katy. And I know that I have not changed for them. I have changed for my future self for who is watching me through my own memories. I don't want to feel sorry for myself. I want to look back and say that I made it through. But I doubt that moment will come for me. 

The other day I was sitting on the edge of my bed still crying. My head was in my hands. Then I decided to wash my face. I tossed my hair back and a big strand of hair was tangled around my fingers. I half knew what was going on with me. I touched my hair more. The more I touched the more hair fell down. I walked downstairs as calmly as I could. My eyes were glassy because that's something I can't control. Dad saw me and we rushed to the hospital. So, I found out that I have cancer. Like a really bad one. I was sitting on the waiting chair right beside the doctors' chamber. In a distance, dad and the doctor were having some conversation. They thought I couldn't hear them but I could. And hearing them what I came to know was, I don't have much time to live. I have to be admitted to the hospital and all that. That didn't scare me anymore. Because a couple of days ago I had stopped the biggest tidal wave of emotion of my life. Moreover, I had no reason to live. So, the thought of dying didn't scare me. Anymore. 

Dad was right about Depression and Reality. I didn't realize it then but I do realize it now. A thousand times we die in one life. Not physically but emotionally. We crumble, we break down, we get torn apart until all the beautiful layers of illusion are burned away and turned to ashes. And all that is left, is the truth of what and who we really are and what we really live in. Reality. Depression really is a strong word to throw around so easily. Because even after knowing that my chances to survive are low... even after knowing that Jacob and I were never meant to be together, even after knowing that Katy and I are no more bestfriends I'm calm. I'm calm with a bald head wearing that oversized patient dress in the hospital writing this at night with a tiny bit of light from my study lamp. I'm not depressed. Yes, I'm upset about the reality I live in but it's not depression. Oh, I almost forgot 2 days from now is one of my " special days ". It's going to be new years eve. I can't imagine how beautiful everything will look. How beautiful Times Square would be decorated this time. Heard there's going to be a Bon Jovi concert and some new years song this time. I wished so much for attending this New Years Eve. I had so many plans for this New Years Eve. That I and Jacob and Katy would spend the entire day watching movies and eating outside and drinking coffees and just roaming around the city and be present during midnight at the Times Square. Guess that's not happening anymore. And I don't hold any regrets. And as I laid there sick I wondered, who should I reside my faith in. My bestfriend who betrayed me? Jacob who was never mine? God who left me alone in all this? Or Dad who most of the times failed to understand me?

The other day I was getting bored as there was nothing fun to do. So, I thought about Jacob. I realized that even after all this... I will choose him. I will still choose him even though I'm mad at him. I realized that my love for him won't simply fade away because I was angry. I knew before all that, that there will be fights, arguments, we will be frustrated. But we will still be humans. Still, I'll fight for him. Still, I'll battle for him. Still, I'll choose him. And I'll keep choosing him every single day no matter what circumstances. But if he doesn't wait for me to step back into the light from the darkness I have faded off in that he doesn't understand, I will thank him. I'll thank him for giving me memories and making me strong without even knowing. I will thank him for making me realize that we don't always get what we what... for making me realize that things that are not meant to be will never happen.  I will thank him because if he never understood the dark side of me, he certainly wasn't worthy of how beautiful my light is. This bonfire heart is only for those who never left me in darkness. Yet, while I lay in this almost darkness... I see no one around me. Dad was here a couple hours ago but he had to leave. And I totally understand his situation. 

Yesterday I was getting out of the bathroom when I caught a tiny glimpse of the mirror on the wall. I walked closer to that mirror and stared. I couldn't recognize the woman that the mirror was reflecting. Was it me? The face of the woman I was watching was pale. Her eyes and her cheeks had gone inside. She no longer had her beautiful blonde hair. Dark circles were formed around her eyes. It took me a short while to understand that it was really me. I was seeing myself after a long time. The last time I saw myself, I looked beautiful in that red miniskirt and Santa hat on top. I smiled seeing what's become of me. I happen to be right. We should not love someone for something as temporary as looks. Because I was no longer beautiful but from inside... my beauty still remains like a sealed vessel. A vessel that is untouched... A vessel that is not cracked or can be cracked. I walked back to my bed and spend the day consuming medicines and staring at the wall and taking sedatives.  

Today I felt worse than ever. My health is reaching the pinnacle of worse. I feel weaker. I feel like vomiting all the time. Moreover, I can't eat even a bit. No matter how hard I try I just can't. Nurse fed me with liquid food which I think was better. Because it is really hard for me to chew. This made me wonder that how easily we ignore the little things that happen around us. Like I always took chewing for granted and now I know the true value of it as I can't chew anymore. I just sit there and wonder that how happily I used to chew on my food and enjoy every bit of it.

The dying vine of a plant can be revived with a single drink of water. So too can the human heart lifted from the darkness... cured with a simple measure of pure and simple love. I know that I'm dying. This could have been cured if I were happy. This could have been cured had Jacob been with me. I have no reason to live. No measure of pure and simple love that can help me fight from inside. Well, that's it for today. I can't think of any more that happened. It's really dark now anyways. My study lamp is disturbing other patients. 2 days to go. So... Emma out!