Diary Of A Depressed Being

Life's Not Fair

4th of December 2012. I know I didn't keep up with my promise. I actually didn't find any time to write. But that doesn't mean that nothing happened during these 3 days. My world went upside down... and I became more depressed. I sometimes ask god that why he didn't make me like others. Like... Why do I think so differently? Why can't I take even the simplest of things normally? Like I and Katy were supposed to meet in the cafeteria. But she showed up 5 mins late and I was so pissed at her that I whiled away the entire break period feeding her my negative comments like, " Seems like you found a new best friend." and " At least my friendship with you wasn't fake. But that's okay because people change." and " I was 2 mins early here so that I could talk to you more. But you don't seem to care." and she kept on apologizing and trying to shrug off the matter but I wouldn't budge. Which lead to another disease of mine. I can't get things out of my head easily... Like I would think about it the entire day before I give my brain and my feelings a rest. 

Then the other day I felt really horrible due to the scene I had to witness. So, we were doing this math class. Nothing was amazing about it as it was one of those boring early morning classes where everyone is drowsy and barely able to open their eyes and moreover, it was maths... duh? I was sitting beside Katy. Jonathan sir had given us an assignment and we were to submit it that day. You must be wondering where's the tragedy and what's the connection of the title with my enduring tragedy, right? Open your ear canals now so that you can comprehend why life is not fair. So after all the submissions were done Sir picked up a file randomly and started seeing if the work was there or not. Suddenly a small cockroach, flapping its small... reddish-brown wings commenced flying and sat directly on Sir's face. Never had I ever imagined that sir would have that reaction to this puny matter. Because he literally started to squeal like a girl and run all over the glass slapping his entire body to push or kill the cockroach to its freedom. The boring class changed from a class no one will ever forget. The melancholy boringness of the early morning class which followed was broken by the waves of our laughter. Suddenly the cockroach flew out of the window. Sir's completely combed hair had turned into... Donald Trump's hair. Then sir picked up the file to find from whose file that creepy little creature emerged from. Viola! The file read in big letters ' JENNIFER '. I and Katy were so happy to see some ass whooping of Jennifer. Sir screamed her name and called her to the front of the class. It's sirs' way of punishment. Due to the humiliation, Jennifer's face had split into two like a piece of overripe fruit. But life is not fair... because just as sir started to speak the bell rang and he had to attend another class. He looked at Jennifer deadly, his eyes wide open and his teeth clenched against one another and he walked out of the class. Now of course! it was time to humiliate Jennifer but everyone thought it was a prank on sir and every single stupid being stood up and clapped and cheered for her. And that cunning witch! played along with the moment and pretended to be the prankster that got away! And to my enduring dismay, she got even more famous than before. Things for Jennifer oh! sorry, The notorious prankster works out pretty fine. As if she had traveled in future and has everything planned before they even happen. I and Katy remained slack-jawed when we watched her seizing the moment. Like she owned everyone present in the class. Life's not fair. While the series of miraculous events keep happening for Jennifer, me on the other hand, can't even eat popcorn because the ovens' wire is cooked or sit on the chair to study because I have gained so much weight that the 2 slacks of the wooden chair went flying away when I put my ass on it. 

If I love something/someone more than Netflix... It's Jacob. I love him so much that... When he comes in front of me... I just keep staring at those ocean blue eyes. And how weird it is that... his messy bedhead hair seems so perfect on him. And Jacob's different. He never follows anyone but people follow him and his every single step. He is even known to set some trends in the high-school. Like, he would tuck one side of his shirt and leave the other side untucked and then it would become a trend and every guy will have his shirt tucked-untucked. Another famous trend of his includes bedhead hair. Even though it looked inexplicably perfect on him but other guys? I swear that it looked like that they have been doing this continuous 7 days surgery and had to come directly to the school afterward. Jacob was an incandescent star in my sky... I could only see it... wish for it...imagine it... but not touch it or feel it. And when its real life... that person feels farther off and more unobtainable. And you know what sexy is? ' Deeper than it looks on first sight '. That was the first thought that rushed through my mind when I saw him walking through the hallway. The prominent reason I call Jacob perfect is that other than being handsome and the guy you would get deeply smitten at first sight... He was genius too. But you could never tell it by his looks or the way he behaves and neither he would show off his GPA or SAT score like other people. Results don't matter to him and he never pays attention to grades. I wondered if he even works hard to obtain those grades or he just gets it somehow. It's all natural to him. One of his quotes goes like, " This lifeless paper won't decide my future. It's me who does that." which is very deep and the exact quote you would expect from Jacob. YES, I'm saying all this and I know that this sounds like a sales pitch. But that's the exact reason I write in this diary. If you ask me about his essence... I would say it is intense... like perfectly balanced intense.

Now I'll stop being that overly-attached girlfriend even though I'm not even though I whole-heartedly wish to be and I'll come back to the enduring dismal disaster that occurred. Everyone has a miracle in their life. Be it walking on the moon or be it seeing ghosts or be it being rich for some stupid reason like Kim Kardashian. My miracle includes Jacob's locker next to mine. He was keeping something inside and so was I. Haha what a coincidence. Even though the hallway was jam-packed with students sitting on the floor and propped by the locker but I felt like... I'm alone in this entire world with Jacob. As if it was no more the butterfly rose peddles green earth but a post-apocalyptic one. Where every second is taken to survive not live. I couldn't jot down strength to talk to him... and made my mind to talk to him someday else. Then I thought about this matter more deeply and came to a conclusion to talk to him right there instantly. Because I will keep planning for this someday. And quietly, without me ever noticing... that someday would be today. Then that someday would be yesterday. And then one day... this someday will become my life. So better live that someday... that day. I wanted to talk to Jacob... but whenever he was close to me... it felt like that fear took the best of me. Even though I want to but I couldn't talk to him. It is like I have the pen and the paper but not the tongue to read. I felt like I wasn't ready. And it's a really terrible thing, I think, in life to wait until you are ready. Just then I had a sudden adrenaline rush and I thought to myself that... In this life, no one is ready to do anything. There's almost no such thing as ready - I used almost because you can't sit for a trigonometry or Chemistry exam without being ready-. There is only now. And I wanted to live that now. All those sleepless night that I whiled away making poems about Jacob and making a long plan about what would I say to him when I first talk to Jacob. I had planned for this a long time ago but of course! Life is a funny thing. Because the first blissful words that came from a pathway connected from my heart to my throat were, " Hey Jacob. I'm Emma. I might look like a potato but I'm not." And I said all this with what I consider to be an enchanting stupidity look etched on my face. He gave me a smirky I'm-trying-hard-not-to-laugh-at-you smirk and shrug off the matter. HE RESPONDED! I was so happy but this happiness didn't last long. Because the evil eyes had fallen on us. Can you guess who was it? JENNIFER! She came in real quick and grabbed Jacobs arm and that boisterous brat bitch took him away from me! How dare she! Had Jacob been my boyfriend I would have killed her right there. My property and I own it. But to my misfortune... I didn't own Jacob... so, I let go of him and watched him walk beside the devil. Jennifer looked back at me with an oh-sorry-were-you-talking? look and walked more quickly. You understand how the title relates to my tragedies? Like... Jennifer has everything. I must say that she's beautiful and she is tall and she's the leader of the ' cool group ' and she is captain of our team and one of the most popular personalities in our school and on the other hand it's me... goofy, introvert and a bit extrovert, potato and member of the ' nerd group '. Despite all these flaws... I don't mind the way I am. Because that's who I am. But... I really want Jacob... and Jennifer is snatching him away from me and she's succeeding. Life's not fair... I need to make my move. Just like the Marshall Swindle in Chess.