Diary Of A Depressed Being

Betrayal

24 December 2012. Do you know the biggest thing about Betrayal? It never comes from a stranger or an enemy but a person you know. I had the worst day of my life yesterday. And I think I will never recover from this. This wound will always remain with me. This has been the worst Christmas of my life so far. All my happiness and feelings and enthusiasm for those so-called special days I was rambling about has been eradicated.  Nothing seems the same anymore. Everything looks vague and more blurred than before. My future... my past... my present makes no sense. This page I'm confiding in is getting wet by my tears rolling down my cheeks as I write my experience. Although, I won't write much today as I don't want to and I'm tired. The tiredness that can't be cured by sleep... and I faced it for the first time. I might not even write anymore. Not because I feel weak as the days past. But because my reason to write is no more. 

It was 23rd of December 2012. To be precise it was Christmas Eve. One of the happiest and beautiful time of the year. It was snowing and I was waiting eagerly for the night to arrive so I can go to Katy's where Jacob would be present. Our house looked beautiful. A decorated Christmas tree at the corner of the house. I could feel the warmth of fire coming from the furnace. The fridge was decorated with new Christmas related magnets. I could see a new holiday organizer over the counter. Dad was cooking in the kitchen. I made my way to the dinner table and made myself comfortable. I could smell the special Christmas breakfast and feel the gentle tenderness of my stomach anxiously awaiting a heartfelt Christmas breakfast. The house was illuminated by the gray sky and some yellow lights in the house. 

I whiled away the entire morning till evening waiting for the clock to struck 7:00. I did nothing but hear Dad's great adventures of his childhood. Which included his head getting stuck in a steel bowl. His hands making its way through the human waste to grab his baseball. And many more exaggerated stories of his bravery. Which was good to hear. I enjoyed knowing how my father was during his childhood. I think... one of the most important roles that a person can play in someones' life is... being a listener. Everyone needs someone to listen to them... their small stories of bravery... small stories of small achievements. I felt good knowing that I played that part in my father's life. Because the way his eyes sparkled as he told me those stories, the smile that was etched on his face... can't be described in words. 

Later it was 6:30. The gray sky had turned candy-color pink. The snow was still falling and it looked so beautiful. The most awaited time in my entire life. It felt like... this was what I was waiting for. I was like... a few minutes away from making Jacob mine. I was a few minutes away from telling him everything and nothing. But dad wouldn't budge... He kept coming up with his stories. But somehow I managed my way out. He called me from the back but I pretended that I did not hear him. And I kept my pace until I was finally outside. Ever heard of " Out of the frying pan into the fire"? Well, mine was close. " Out of the dad's stories and into the snow". The snow wasn't plowed and it was, of course, blocking my way.  But still, I kept trudging through the snow. No power could stop me from going to Katy's that night. My legs were shaking not because of the cold... but from the fear that I was already 30 minutes late. But it was cold too because I was wearing a really small red miniskirt with white soft edges and a red top with a Santa hat on top. The idea was inspired by Mean Girls. I looked eerily perfect in it and the dress was a fit. I looked good. 

As I trudged through the snow I could smell the roasted chestnuts and could observe families gathering around the fire in the furnace. While Kids built their snowman I heard them talking about the arrival of Santa that night. Word on the street that the reindeer were flying through the sky so high. I remember how I used to make a list back in my misspent childhood and ask for all those stupid things from Santa. Like,

1) Santa I need a cap

2) Santa I need mom

3) Santa I want lots of Chocolate

Then during the night dad would sneak into my room take the list and bring all the things I had asked for and eat my overcooked biscuits and drink the milk I left for Santa. My childhood was so good and... normal... Don't know what went wrong later.

I trudged through the snow... all my energy had been drained and despite being so cold... I wore that dress so that I could impress Jacob. While I struggled I thought that Katy must be entertaining him so that he wouldn't leave as I was late. I had no worry of Jacob leaving because I knew Katy would come up with an idea to hold him. I was so happy yet nervous but mostly happy. Little did I know that had I known I would have to see that I would have wished to die instead. 

I reached Katy's and knocked. Nobody answered. I knocked several times and still no response. That made me mad and worried. Katy keeps an extra key to her house in a gray colored box among several alike stones. I opened the gate and advanced inside. I tried not to make any sound. I could hear my breath and some noises from upstairs from Katy's room. I alighted on the stairs and tried to maintain the silence the best I could. Katy's door was a slightly opened. I peeked into her room and saw what I wished I had never seen.

I saw Katy kissing Jacob. Jacobs shirt was on the floor and was making his way through Katy's. They both continued kissing while I tried my best to absorb the reality. The reality of Betrayal. How could Katy do this to me? She knew how I felt for Jacob. How much devoted and deeply smitten I was towards Jacob. How much I adored him. But besides Jacob... we were bestfriends. She was the person I would have followed to the edge of the earth. She was the person I would have died for. She was the only person I trusted with Jacob and that's why I let him into her house. We were bestfriends... what caused her to do this to me? What made her think that even if she told me this later I would be able to get over it? I shared everything with her. Even the deepest darkest secret of mine from a place ingrained in my body in a place I never knew existed. Like an attic that the owner itself didn't know was there. As tears rolled down my cheeks and onto the floor they made their way on the bed. My heart was pounding so loudly that made me frightened that they would hear the sobbing noise that my heart made. I didn't want them to see me in this condition. I didn't want them to know that I cried. I stepped back and alighted from the stairs and walked out of Katy's house. I let them have this moment. I couldn't imagine the inner strength that I jotted down to let this happen. I didn't invade into their moment and didn't interrupt their make out which was their first step. My heart was broken... into a million pieces that I knew no one could put them back together ever again. I cried and cried and kept crying until my eyes soaked. My heart was still pounding and it was hurting. My chest was burning. My lips remained quivered. I walked out of the house and from their lives too. I would never forgive Katy for this treacherous act of hers. 

I walked back to my house. After several tears and lots of brooding, I accepted my fate and this bad reality. I accepted the way things would be from that moment on. I accepted the thought that I had no one in this world anymore except dad. I was all alone. I was oblivious to the passage of time and to the surrounding around me. As I was crying and looking down and the images of what was about to take place between Jacob and Katy was flashing before my eyes. 

I wiped my tears. Etched a fake smile on my face. Stepped into my house. Directly rushed upstairs. Washed my face. Ate the dinner. And rushed back upstairs. And fed my pillow my tears. I cried half of the night thinking about the betrayal that, not from Jennifer or her plastic girl but came from my own bestfriend Katy. I thought about all those good moments spent with Katy which made me cry more. Because I knew that things were never going to be the same again. My pain was excruciating... because I didn't lose just one person that night. I lost two people who both played a very important part in my life. Nothing's going to be the same. And I accept this... because change is a rule of life. And a point comes in all our lives when we have to accept that rule.