BANGERZ (2014)

24. Abandoned

Three weeks later, with Christmas only eight days away, I get an early present.

Dear Miss Klein:

We are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted to California State University...

Once my eyes skim that first sentence I clutch the paper to my chest and squeal in delight. After running outside in my pajamas, grabbing everything in the mailbox, and tearing open the first envelope with my name on it, I plopped down on the couch to find out my future. Today is the day I receive my college letters, and it feels just like Christmas: rushing downstairs, feeling jittery with anticipation and excitement, ripping up paper, and holding your breath for either ecstasy or disappointment at what's inside.

Well, after opening my gifts, I'm feeling as merry and jolly as the holidays themselves. According to my letters, I got into all the schools I applied to: Pepperdine, USC, UCLA - and California State. I saved California State for last on purpose, even slipping my finger under the envelope carefully and slowly unfolding the letter. I'm glad I was accepted to the other universities, but Cal State is the only one I really care about now. Cal State is the school all of my friends are going to. It's the school Jason's going to.

I stand up, twirl around victoriously, and collapse onto the sofa again with a sensation of complete exuberance. Can someone burst from so much happiness? Are the festive decorations, joyful noise, and charitable spirit of the holidays making me glow and grin more than usual? Or is my never-ending smile and resplendent mood the kind that's caused by a certain someone? By love?

I sigh, running a hand through my hair, as butterflies fill my stomach. My heart leaps and my face breaks out into a winning smile. That reaction should be my answer. I don't know exactly when I realized I love Jason, but now that things have slowed down, it's easier to realize why. He's making me feel this way. He looks at me in that secret, stolen way, listens to not only my words but my heart and mind as well, touches me with the knowledge that I'm powerless to his embrace and not weak to another's. And of course there's the bad boy charisma and come-hitherness that I wanted first. I wanted his worst before I discovered his best. I think that's the definition of love, or at least an important part of it. The good in him makes me fall harder every day, but the bad in him is what makes me fly and fight while I'm falling so fast.

I know Christmas seems like a cliched and cheesy time of year to tell someone that you love them, but it seems like the right time to me. Obviously I'm happy that I get to spend the holidays with Jason, if I can't spend it with my parents. But telling him I love him has nothing to do with the mood, or the theatrics, or the celebration of the holiday, and everything to do with what I want outside of that. I want plaid shirt days of banned fun... nights when he makes me his own... I want Jason to challenge me, thrill me, surprise me, make me laugh... I want to feel safe and respected... and I want to be with him because I know that I'm wanted, cherished, and loved.

I should be the one to say it first. With us, it's not a matter of admitting it, but rather - announcing it. Asserting it, avowing it. I have to be the one to do it first, because I know Jason, and I know that he needs my support and encouragement to be so vulnerable. If there's anything he's afraid of, it's fueling his depression with too much emotion and letting it control him. I want something else to control him, or at least guide him and save him. I want that something to be my love.

Combine this with all the good news I've been receiving lately, and I'm in a mood that can't be touched. All of my friends got into California State, so we're staying together for whatever challenges lay ahead of us. Tonight we're heading out to the Wreckers' Bando and completely mutilating it, taking out our anger and hatred for them with some reckless vandalism. It's going to be fun.