𝑷𝑨𝑷𝑰 . | BxB

| Five | Signs

                                      Five | Signs

It's important to know when a sign is a sign and when it is not.

                  I wasted my breathe on far too many to not know the difference. To not understand the consequences of wanting that Instagram relationship you see on your timeline so often. The potential to have your heart broken over expectations that just couldn't be met.

        You give your time and energy into just wanting to experience the one you see potential in. Wanting to know them on a deeper level than just what they choose to show the world. And you'll take those small signs that could mean everything and nothing at the same time, and you'll run with them blindly. Free of doubt and disappointment.

But I was far beyond that point. Because of never knowing when that sign would hit me, I wondered daily, "did he think about me the way that I did him?"

     I wanted so much to not like him. I wanted so much for that sign to hit me. I just wanted a legitimate answer. No hidden meanings, no taking back words we said or the actions we did.

That warm hug of a genuine compassion for each other for example. How else would I have to take that? Friends don't hug the same way we do. Not even straight boys in general hug other boys that long.

          That was one thing I never understood about him. Why give me hope but never act on it? Why do things just to have my attention and never make any use of it? Hit me smack dab in the face with that sign. Sure it'll hurt emotionally but I'd rather have a complete "no" then a half-assed "yes".

I gazed at him once he released me from his hug.

      "Aight so what you wanna do first?" He said clasping his fist in his palm, "We can play the game, smoke a couple of blunts, cook, whatever you wanna do." I had taken a seat back on the bed. Looking at him, I shrugged not thinking too deep into any of the options. We could've watched the grass grow and I wouldn't have cared.

"Nigga don't shrug at me," he chuckled grabbing a pair of socks out of his drawer and throwing it at me, "Pick something."

        I huffed against his extra-ness.

          
Finally giving it a thought, it would only make sense to organize everything he just said to be able to do all of it today.

      "We can just do everything in that order. Just smoke first." 

He nodded in a cooing motion, turning around to face his dresser. I played with my fingers waiting for him to say something while we sat in silence. 

        I looked around again. This time noticing a framed basketball jersey. Next to it being a younger picture of Joel and his big brother.

      "You gonna get comfortable?" He snapped my attention back to him. He had turned around from whatever he was doing at his dresser. I had hoped I didn't look completely uncomfortable. However, I were both nervous and anxious around him. New environments always put a knot in my stomach.

    "What do you mean?" To be sure I asked for clarification.

"Take your shoes off or something." He laughed, "You look like you scared."

             "I'm not." I lied, so uncomfortable I couldn't find it in me to look him in his eyes. I unzipped my jacket and loosened my shoe strings, kicking my shoes off by the heel. My inner thoughts telling me to breathe in and exhale to hold off psyching myself out.