Charlie's Story ~ My Eighth Grade Dilemma ~ Book One

I Don't Love You

As Sophia said, I don't love Lawrence.  I just love the idea of him.  But even though this is true, I have been in denial the past week.  I finally got up the courage to write him a letter, saying that I love Ethan too much and I don't want to hurt him.  So before soprano sectionals (soprano instrument after school practice) I ask Sabrina, one of Lawrence's friends, to give the letter to him because I can't stand doing it myself.  Some people may think that what I did was wrong, but I do things my own way.  I won't follow the "rules of society".

I walk to my locker, unlock the lock, and get my flute.  Then, I go back to my seat and put everything on my chair.  I'm closest to the aisle separating the two sections of the band, on the right side, meaning I'm second chair flute player.  I have waited for the moment to proudly sit in the chair, just inches from the first flute player, Angelica Darby.  I watch as she walks in the room and puts down her stuff in the chair to my right.  Angelica is pretty tall, not so much, but tall enough to be considered a senior in high school.  She looks like one, too.  She has a large bust, thin waist and tan skin.  Her nationality is Filipino, like me, and African American (blasian) and even though she has broken out into pores, clean pores at that, she is very pretty.

Angelica leaves to the locker room, where she spends over 20 minutes during the beginning of class in, to talk to her close group of friends; Gloria Sands, Sydney Spain (no kidding, that's her real name), Ulisis Gonzalez, and occasionally Caitlin Hong and Karron James (I'm pretty sure thats his last name) join in their conversation.  I wait until the crowd by the door has subsided to leave.  Now that the door has been deserted, I get up, put my hands in my sweater pockets along with my letter to Lawrence and my phone, and walk towards the door.  Then, Lawrence walks in.  His face lights up at the sight of me and he immediately speed walks towards me.  I'm pulled into a hug before I can do anything, so I just accept it.

"I love you," he says before taking his arms aways from me and going in the locker room to fetch his trumpet.

I feel terrible for what I plan on doing.  It's my fault for lying to him.  I'm going to break his seventh grade heart, I know it.  Lawrence Noir.  I'm sorry that I lied to him about my feelings.  I don't love you, Lawrence Noir.  I don't think I ever have.  And I can never forgive myself for what I've done.  But it's about time that you found out.

I run outside and find that no one else is here, so I am left with my own thoughts.  I begin to circle around the plastic cougar that has been drilled into it's own tiny, rectangular stage as I think to myself.  Lawrence Noir, the boy I thought I loved.  Lies.  I told him lies every day.  I lied to myself.  I wasn't over Ethan.  In fact, being with someone other than him made my feelings for him even stronger.  I hate that about myself.  I fall in love with people who don't want me.  With people I can't have.  I can't want Ethan.  But I do.

Lawrence is on the scrawnier side and he is VERY tall, for a seventh grader.  He might be somewhere around six feet tall.  He is all types of asian, with very light skin, slightly small eyes, jet black hair, and black glasses attached to a neckstrap.  I don't want him to hate me for breaking him, but I don't want to be friends with him after this.  I know it will only hurt him more.  But he's too forgiving.  And he says he's not the jealous type, even though he got pissed off with my friend Alexander after learning, from me, that he was annoyed when I talked about my relationship with Lawrence because he wanted to ask me out.  I don't find anything wrong with that.  It's not cheating or ANYTHING.  But Lawrence got mad anyways, so I had to punch Alexander for him so he wouldn't do it himself.  He's also very clingy and annoyingly adoring.  Every time I am standing next to him, he just HAS to pull me into a hug, causing me to fall over.  I hate people who purposely mess with me, unless it's Ethan.  I don't like when people touch me, other than Ethan, unless I messed with them first.  It annoys the fuck out of me.

With my newly found anger towards Lawrence, I proudly walk into the band room and give my break up letter to Sabrina so she can pass it to Lawrence.  I feel like a different person.  I feel proud and fierce and strong.  Like I've broken free of my old shell.  At this very moment, I honestly couldn't care less about how Lawrence reacts.  I just want this to end.  I just want us to end.  I want to be free.