Day by Day ~a troyler fanfic

Day Twenty Eight

Day Twenty Eight:

Scratch that last line there. Sleeping wasn't easy. Falling into sleep was the easy part. Surviving the nightmare, now that was not easy. It was always the same thing too. You were always there with me. It would start out so perfect with us just curled up under the blankets. Your hands would be running through my hair while you talked quietly. Sometimes you were even singing to me.

I'll always remember the song because it never changed. It was always the song you wrote: We're my OTP. Did I ever tell you how much I love that song? It's really good Troye. I love that even though it's a love song it still makes people want to laugh from the way you say things.

Anyways, the dream usually ends with you suffering a brutal death. I would always be a few seconds to let to try and save you. You would always die slowly in my arms. That's how all the nightmares would end. And I would wake up to the living nightmare. I'm not sure which nightmare I prefer.

The one from me dreams, well at least I can wake up from them. I'm stuck living through the nightmare where your gone. That's not something that will be changing.

I can't wake up from this.

 When I'd calmed down from my panic of the dream I lay in our bed. I stared blankly up at the ceiling for the longest time. My head was spinning and clouded with what ifs.

What if I had found you earlier?

What if I had known about this?

What if I could have stopped you?

What if it was the other way around and I'd died instead?

What if you had never left me?

What if I had been a better friend to you this entire time?

What if..what if.

What ifs will destroy me. Slowly maybe, but they will destroy me. One day I will burst at the seam from all the what ifs that float around my head.

Sometime that evening Ricky came over to drag me out of my bed. When I say drag, I mean it literally. Ricky grabbed my arm and pulled me towards the edge of the bed. I cuss and swore at him while he made me get up. Ricky just rolled his eyes and made a joke towards me. He pulled me until I either had to get up or fall flat on my face.

When I had gotten to my feet Ricky would throw me a change of clothes and wait patiently  outside the door until I changed. Once I was in clean clothes Ricky dragged me to the living room and made me sit on the couch while he went into the kitchen/

 Did you know there's still a small gray blot from where you dropped your gum? I don't suppose you remember it. It was a while back when we had been doing the Trevor Project live stream campaign. You'd gotten so excited because we had raised a lot of money in a flash donation. I remember how nervous you were to tell me about the gum.

It was really funny to watch you get flustered. You were cute when you were nervous to tell me something. You had this way of avoiding my eyes while you bit your bottom lip. If I were to push you into telling me what was going on, you would mumble it really quietly. I'd make you tell me it again so then you would practically yell it at me.

Ricky made me a small dinner that night. Then he curled up next to me on the couch with some Netflix. We spent hours watching a bunch of random films.

Ricky is good company. He never once treated me any differently. There was always a smile on his face. And he didn't try to push anything.I wish we had been closer before all this went down. Out of everybody in LA I think Ricky is one of them I haven't really gotten close with.

Maybe it time to change that.

Maybe.