Emotions [Dazai x Reader]

A Genuine Kiss

Dazai
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I had been flustered for a week. I didn't know what to do. I had conducted a series of tests on myself as I continued to deny the feelings stirring in my heart.

I stopped contact with her for a week. saying no to all of her requests to hang out together, make eye contact, text, call- anything. I started going out a lot, trying to just distract myself. That had failed miserably as all my thoughts wondered off to her. It made the feeling in my chest a lot more intense as I'd see her occasionally while walking through the Mafia.

She had no issue with this. I had told her I was just taking a little relaxation week of some sort. To get rid of build up stress by being alone. She understood and didn't contact me, respecting my wishes.

Today, I was just done. I wanted to understand what was wrong with me.

I knocked on her office door, a little too aggressively. She immediately opened it, looking at me with that expressionless face that she had when I first met her. My eyebrows furrowed in confusion. I noticed that the hue of her eyes were a little more grey than they were before. She stared at me, silently waiting for me to tell her what I was doing here.

I didn't hesitate to go straight into it and kiss her.

I felt her tense up a little, slowly relaxing the longer we kissed. I felt my heart slowly start to swell up as I moved my lips with hers. My eyes widened and I felt exactly what I didn't wanna feel. That horrid feeling that caused the loneliness that I hated.

For a second, just for a second. It was gone. The remaining loneliness that was in me faded away. In that small moment, I felt different. I felt- content, lighter, hopeful, relaxed, satisfied,

happy.

I pulled myself away and looked at her in the eyes. A [e/c] hue had taken over her eyes. She looked more alive, more human. A smile spread on her lips as she blinked a few times. Her cheeks were a light shade of pink, she looked away from me and crossed her arms in embarrassment.

I felt my face heat up a little bit- in anger and embarrassment. Embarrassment was incomprehensible to me. Was it because of this feeling? Why would it make me feel this way? I had done this a few times before with her and others. Why am I feeling like this now?

I was angry because I honestly... I didn't understand what was happening. I didn't want to feel this way. I didn't want to love her. But I also wanted that feeling to come back. It felt so good.

I looked down at her flushed face. She was obviously embarrassed and happy. I felt my heart erupt with a blissful feeling in my chest as she looked up and gave me a small smile. It was so genuine and wonderful I couldn't help but pull her into an embrace.

"Dazai... are you okay now? Can we.. go out to eat or something?" She asked quietly.

"Yes. Thank you... Let's go get lunch." I responded, as I gave her a small squeeze.

We walked quietly outside the Port Mafia, heading down to a place she wanted to go eat at. I held her hand for the first time. She seemed happy as she slightly swung our hands back and fourth. Her hands were a lot small and softer than mine were, so I tried my best not to squeeze it too hard.

Once we got to the restaurant, sat down and placed our orders, she started talking like usual. Like if that quiet week never happened. I was honestly a little surprised. We didn't talk about many things. Mostly goals or just some plans for the future. She said she wanted to just get out of the country for a little while.

We spent about an hour just eating and talking. I mostly asked her questions where I could learn more about her. I asked her basic questions that I probably should have known since we were..

together

As we walked back to the Mafia, a part of me felt slightly guilty as I thought about what my original plans were. I was just gonna string her along for awhile then leave her.

Just so that I wouldn't feel alone.

I didn't know much about her ability, nor how it worked. But I had a feeling that if I had done that, things would have turned out a lot differently. I simply believed that she could just suppress the anger and hurt, and just hate me. I mean, at the time I didn't care about what would have happened to her or how she would've felt about me.

When Odasaku and Chuuya talked about her heart breaking I didn't understand what they meant by that. And as of this moment, I still don't understand. Was it because the emotions inside her were too strong- that it felt like her heart was breaking?

I wanted to ask, but I decided it would be best to ask later.

I just knew that she could never know about what my true intentions were.

I didn't want her to leave me.

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