Battle Scars

Chapter 3**

Chapter 3

            Emma was perched in the center of her be when I pushed open the heavy door to our room, a circle of open text books spread around her folded legs. Of course she was already working on her homework, she couldn’t stand to put it off for a day, much less weeks like I was known for. A soft lull of whatever band she was currently in to filled the room from where her iPod was plugged into our shared docking station on the sink counter. I didn’t recognize the song, but it was low and calming, the perfect background noise. She was fantastic at finding new bands that I had never heard of and even better at applying them to life’s situations. Like studying by yourself in an empty door room.

            I heard her close her book in her lap and the song pause when I fell face first onto my stiff mattress.            

            “Tough day?” Emma asked, her attention immediately focused on me. She would always put aside anything she was doing to let me rant about my problems.  But her voice broke, and that was all I needed to hear to know her day had been worse than mine ever could have been. I couldn’t even begin to imagine the amount of anxiety she had felt throughout the entire day and wanted to slap myself for acting like mine had been so terrible just because of one small encounter.

            “Not really,” I said as I sat up and ran a hand through my matted hair, wishing I had at least taken the time to brush it this morning instead of eating that second bagel. “Just this obnoxious boy who followed me after class and wanted to talk.”

            “Was he cute?”

            I laughed. “I reserve the right to withhold that information.”

            Emma shook her head at me, her nose scrunched up. “Well, what’s so bad about this boy?”

            “Em, you know my stand on making new friends: I can’t. It doesn’t matter anyway, how was your day?”

            “You’re not going to self-destruct and take out everyone around you, Remy.”  Her tone was firm and authoritative, like a mother scolding her child, the complete opposite of what it had been just a moment ago. “We’ve discussed this. It’s okay to let people in. Besides, you’re not in that mindset anymore. You don’t hurt yourself anymore, so you won’t hurt anyone else like that again.”

            I wanted to point out that I had done it to her and that I couldn’t promise I would never do it again, but instead I said, “It doesn’t matter if I’m not like that anymore, because I could slip back into it again. It’s like your anxiety. I have to fight against this demon inside of my head to keep it locked into its closet. It’s much easier to battle if I don’t have to explain the details of my past to someone new, so it’s better for me to isolate myself really.”

            My logic made Emma roll her green eyes and snort. “You need for people in your life besides me, Rem.”

            “Says who?” I forced my lips to turn into a grin.

            This is why I hated discussing these things with Emma. She wanted me to be open and let people past my walls, but I couldn’t. Not yet, anyway. There was still too much of me to fix, too much that still had to be put back together and I couldn’t rely on others to do that for me. I needed to repair myself. I needed her to understand that, but really I just wanted nothing more than for this conversation to be over with. “I’m perfectly content having one equally screwed up friend.”

            “If I were over there, I’d slap you.”

            “You’re literally like not even five feet away, you lazy sloth.” I grabbed my pillow and chucked it in her direction, cheering when it nailed her directly in the face.