His Promise Land

Journal [5]

Ash's POV
"Who is it?" I said softly. Watching his eyes went shades darker. I didn't know what I will do if he answered—
It felt like chaos going on in my head, a monkey let loose banging and screaming on the walls of my brain, my world turning upside down since my super dear best friend who I love so dearly apparently have someone in his mind and didn't tell me. I tried to calculate the chances that it was me while at the same building a Jace barrier field to prepare my heart if the answer wasn't me.
Yeah, right. Like it could be me.
My heart felt like someone stabbed a knife through it. Not just a brick weighing down. This time it was a knife, twisting my insides and clawing my heart out repeatedly.
He shook his head lightly, tightening his grip on his backpack. "No one." His eyes glanced at me for a moment before they looked back down again. "It's nothing, just forget it."
I shuddered, scared. But I still raised my eyebrow challengingly. "Oh, yeah? Then why are you blushing?"
I didn't know where this newfound power came from but I have to be strong. Don't give up just yet, Ash. Maybe that person was you. I kept consoling myself.
Jace liked someone and he was shy about it. But if it was me he would say it already, right? Surely, at this point we knew each other so well that if it were me, he would say it without no problem, right?
But that was the thing, it wasn't me. I saw the expressions that flashed on those blue eyes that I knew so well. If Jace was a language to be studied, I was a native. I can read those eyes, that face, those hands better, than anyone.
Anything was better than this heartache, this pain in my heart, it hurts so much I could barely breath.
"I don't know, maybe it's because you're being silly and it's none of your business?" He huffed and turned away.
"I'm being silly? Yeah right, you're the one who was blushing and hesitating like a girl with her first crush. You usually tell me everything, we shared everything, Jace. My business is yours, and yours is mine. There'
used to be no secret between us." I called after him, he stopped walking, standing still before resuming his walk.
For once in my life, Jace left me there, alone. I tightened my grip and hugged myself. Like it would protect me from the harsh truth that was coming. The words churned in my head.
Jace liked someone. And that person wasn't me.
Jace liked someone.
He liked someone.
I was the stupid one to grow this little hope in my chest, I should've deflated it the moment I notice it. I should have been a good friend and support him and protect him and—
But I loved him so much. More than a friend.
And this was what I get from this unneeded feelings.
But he said it.
I watched his broad shoulders, his familiar gait that I knew so well— As he walked further and further...
Away... From me.
Jace. I pleaded, Turn around. Turn around please. Come back to me.
My eyes didn't left his back, those shoulders that I knew so well, hugged countlessly, waiting for him to turn around and run to my side, like always— waiting him to say something, wishing with all my might he would say sorry and say that we're okay that it's just him teasing me as usual. That it was all a prank gone wrong, just—
Anything would be better than leaving me here, left to watch your retreating back, without another word left for me. Yet as I waited, he never turned around, just kept walking and going further and further...
I clenched my fist and squeezed my eyes shut.
Please say something, Jace.
Say something, Jace. Anything.
Can't you see? This was me giving up on you, Jace. It was my fault I couldn't get to you, I couldn't make you love me, like I love you. But please...
Say something.
But he didn't.
My heart was crumbling to pieces, and no one could save me. Because the only one who could, was the one who let it go. He had it inside his palm, cupped securely— Safely. I thought it was safe.
I guess not, huh?
I laughed bitterly. It sounded like a crow even to my own ears. Only then I realized the sting in my palms— Four little red crescent moon, bleeding from my nails. I blinked, numb.
I took my books and walked to my class, funny it's in the opposite direction isn't it? Funny how ironic it is, as life seemed to be going in to the same way. Us, going into separate directions.
I stopped walking and suddenly, I ran and found myself in the bathroom. As fast as I can. I didn't want him to see me like this, so pathetic. His pathetic little best friend that got her heart broken just because he liked someone else, I knew it was hopeless. I would never be more than just a best friend to him.
I should've known, I should've known. Then why I still felt like I was being cheated on? I guess, a little part of me always regard of his everything as mine. Now that reality hits— That little confident part of me was left on nothing to stand on.
It was my fault to grow the bubble inside my chest, it was my fault to wish everyday and hope he will love me back, just like the way I loved him. It was my fault that I failed to see he liked someone else. It was my fault I pressured him to tell me, now my heart was broken just days before he would leave. The days that were supposed to be fun and free and just— Collecting great memories to remember him by when he's not here will be a mess.
How much of a fool am I?
I couldn't bare to see his face when I would see the fact, that was written in cold hands, that Jace was never mine, he didn't love me like that.
The saddest fact was that I will always be wrapped around his fingers, waiting— For him to turn around and come back, because I will welcome every part that he will give me.
He would always be my best friend, no more than that. And I would only be his best friend. He will have a girl friend —probably someone like Ms. Prim and Proper— they would get married and live happily ever after, have two kids, meanwhile I got to have the role of his kids' baby sitter, the doting aunt that came over too often and too helpful.
Very nice future vision I have in front of me.
I knew I should have been grateful that Jace was still my best friend, that I got to have a little piece of him anyway. But that wasn't okay, that wasn't enough.
When you're in love, you want that person to be yours, only yours. When they can't be yours, your heart is ripped away from you and fed to the sharks. But even though you didn't have it anymore, you still wish for the best for him. Wish them happiness and hope that maybe, just maybe, you will be apart of his happiness. Even just a little piece of it.
But it was settled. I was giving up on him, I needed to let this feelings go, they have no place in Jace's life. I didn't have the power to love him and be hurt, like this.