Poems & Short stories

The curse

Look at me, just a glance and you'd think I'm like everyone else. But what you would never know is that no one, for as long as you can live will understand or know the real 'me'.

There's no mark to symbolize it, no special dungeon to be locked away in to keep it from the world. To hide the curse that hangs over my head in a dark stormy rain cloud.

Everyone rides the roller coaster of life, mine just so happens to be a death trap. The wheels are un-oiled and rusty; they make the wooden cars that stab with splinters crack as they clack on the wobbly track.

Riding in a smooth line is never to last. It's always unsteady, wobbling, and shaky. Up way high the tracks disappear into the clouds up in the bright blue sky. You might be able to call those the good times.

Flying around with a smile for no reason at all skipping, jumping, cleaning, and laughing just to pass the time away. It's at those times where I've got the wit and prep to be on the cheer squad, an acrobat on the tight rope, run a marathon and swim to the other side of the world!!

Until the squeak of the rust wheels screech as it slips from the high hill plummeting at almost a 90° angle! Into dark thick clouds below. Below is where the thick dark clouds stay, with their thunderstorms and lighting strikes and monsters from the past coming to haunt and tease as I duck in the splintery wooden cart trying to hide.

It's in this time where I could sleep forever and never wake up. Times like this I'll eat and eat and eat just because...

Where I cry for a dark shadowed and unclear reason that is unexplainable to everyone else. In this time where no one will understand me.

Hiding in my cart feeling so small surrounded and taunted by the monsters and storm.

When the cart finally wiggles its way up from the storm it levels in a light mist. Where I feel relived I'm alive.

Where I cling to everyone who has taken their time to consider me as an 'okay' person. Where I love everyone thankful I just made it from where I had come.

But it dips down again to where I don't want anyone. I hate you, I hate you all! I could murder you in cold blood with my bare hands! The thought of you lifeless bodies on the floor with blood as the new streams makes me feel all the more calm. And once I hate you, and lashed you with my tongue, made you angry or cry, then I hate myself.

Look at all my flaws, redness, bumps, too fat, short ugly hair, too short, stupid, that anything i do is useless, not like everyone else. I hate myself, hate that I'm not like you. I hate the world! Loath the very existence of plant Earth!

And suddenly as quick as lightning can travel a smile strikes in my face, I've hardly got time to breath I have so many things to talk about! I'll ride a bike today or go swimming, finish that story that has been unfinished, finish up that video game and sweep the floor, at the same time!!

My roller coaster plummets way down or way up high then leaves me in a dazing haze as it's not quite in the dark but not so much in the light. No one can know the real me. I don't even know it myself. This curse that hangs above my head, there's no escaping it.

Chemicals to bring "balance"

Therapy? For what... It's not like you can truly understand. Will I ever be able to live on my own? Without your prescription being thrown in my face. Your words of false understanding. Help? No. Nothing can help but only throw a cover over the cloud to pretend its not there.

To "deal" with the storm that hangs over my head. There is no cure for this curse, the curse of many moods fluctuating 4 times within 1 day. Manic and morbid depression, love and then hate, with the deepest hills to climb and sharpest drops to fall.

This curse has led me to welcome another. The curse of loneliness, misunderstood, abnormal. I'll never be able to keep a relationship friend or love steady. They'll be confused they won't ever know me.

A diagnosis, a disorder, condition... Call it what you want in your medical professions, it's a dark curse that everyone seems to down play. What strain and stress you put your own self through because of it.

So now, look at me. I've explained myself in full, as best as words can possibly let me. Now you know my curse. It's mine. It will never leave me. And I have to live with it... Be grateful it isn't you.