The Back Of My Head

Chapter 2 - Depressed

SHAUN’S POV

I woke up in the morning to see Bradie wide awake in his bed staring at the ceiling. I wonder if he slept last night at all. I sat up in bed and rubbed the sleep out of my eyes, he didn’t move at all; deep in thought?

“Morning,” I said in a yawn.

“Morning,” he replied with no emotion.

“Sleep well?” I asked him. His eyes were bloodshot and I could tell he didn’t have a wink of sleep.

“Yep, really good. You?” he totally lied to me.

“Yeah, pretty alright,” I answered getting out of bed and starting the day.

We only had a few hours left in the studio to finish everything up. Typical Andy woke up a half hour before we left; trying to get out of work as usual.

We all got into our cars and left the studio. Andy drove up here in his car so he drove back on his own; Bradie came up with me in my car so we both left in mine.

He was so silent, it was killing me! If he didn’t feel like talking to anyone he’d usually play his Nintendo 3DS, but nope, not this time. He just did nothing!

“Bradie, talk to me, tell me what’s wrong, please,” I begged.

He took a deep breath.

“Okay, I’ll admit it, something’s up but I’m not ready to talk about it yet, because, I don’t really know what’s going on,” He explained. Oh well, at least I know something is wrong.

“Alright, fair enough. But, I could help,” I tried to persuade him to tell me.

“I don’t think so,” he said that pretty strangely.

“Can I ask something?” I didn’t wait for a response I just kept talking, “is this about Christy? Did you get her pregnant and you don’t know what to do because of this whole band thing?”

“No, why would you even think that?” He questioned.

“I dunno, it seemed like a possibility,” I explained, “I kinda freak that I’m gonna get Brooke pregnant and I’ll have to give up the band thing and get a real job to support her and the baby.”

Bradie laughed. I guess I really do over-think things. Still, it was good to see a smile on his face.

BRADIE’S POV

Shaun dropped me off at mine and Andy’s place, which was our parents’ house. Yep, we’re twenty-one and twenty-three and still lived with our parents. I think it’s because neither of us knows how to cook or do laundry. We’d die if they decided to kick us out.

I walked through the front door and Andy came right up to me, stopping me in my tracks.

“Bradie, mum and dad are going out tonight and they need someone to babysit Chris,” Andy started to explain, of course he’d want me to take care of him, “normally I’d want you to ‘cause I wanna go to Blaze tonight, but I decided you need a lay more than me.”

“Um, thanks Andy, but, you just go, I’ll take care of him,” I told him not wanting to go out nor get laid.

“Geez, you need to get laid soon or go choke the weasel or something,” Andy explained, “I’m gonna have a shower and probably head over to Sonny’s; we’ll go to the club from there.”

Andy had his shower and left me alone with Chris. I fed him dinner, bathed him and put him in bed by eight o’clock. This is the first time in awhile since I actually had any contact with my baby brother. I felt terrible for ignoring him for so long.

Mum and dad won’t be home for about two hours, what to do? I got on my laptop and got all the gay information I needed. After reading through everything I’ve come to think I am gay. I was even on Twitter before and saw one of our male fans profile pictures and thought he was kinda hot; I hope he was over eighteen. I’m gay and there’s no denying that. I’m not ready to start watching gay porn or start fucking guys, but I’m still gay. It even felt really bad saying it in my head. How am I meant to tell my parents? How am I meant to tell the fans? How am I meant to tell my friends? How am I meant to tell Shaun and Andy...? Just thinking about it made me tear up...and before I knew it I was bawling my eyes out. I know I’ve had depression for awhile, it just wasn’t very bad. Now I feel kinda suicidal since I know what the problem is. I picked up the scissors that were on my desk and started making small cuts along my arms and wrists. It hurt like hell, but I liked it and felt like I deserved it. I’m not against gays, lesbians or bi’s but I’m just against myself being one of them. I didn’t make anything big enough to kill me but there were a few of the incisions that were dripping blood on the carpet. I smiled in my tears, I got what I deserved. I went to the bathroom and washed the blood off my arms. Mum and dad will be home any minute and they didn’t need to see what I did.