The Back Of My Head

Chapter 1 - The Realisation

BRADIE’S POV

Why was I feeling like this? I’d been feeling like crap for awhile now and I don’t even know why! Everything seems to upset me. I’m just so...frustrated...ALL THE TIME! I’d done a good job at hiding all the frustration and anger so far, but, I’m sure all my friends know I’m not being my regular self.

Myself, Shaun and Andy were in the studio working on our third album at the moment; along with our manager, Trevor and our programmer, Lee.

“What do you think, Bradie?”

I snapped out of my thoughts to see Shaun looking at me.

“Sorry, what?” I questioned not knowing what anyone had been talking about for the past five minutes. We were all sitting at the table in the middle of the studio, so, probably something to do with band stuff.

“What do you think of S.O.U.L? Should it be our second single, or should it be New York City Ballet?” Shaun asked me giving me a look that looked like he was trying to say ‘what the hell is wrong with you?’

“Um, yeah, whatever you guys want,” I responded getting up from my chair and walking out of the room.

SHAUN’S POV

“What the hell’s wrong with Bradie?” I asked everyone, “it’s like he doesn’t even care anymore.”

“He has been acting a bit strange; a lot quieter than usual,” Trevor responded in his thick British accent.

“Have you noticed him acting different at home or anything?” I questioned Andy.

“Well, as Trevor said he’s been heaps quiet and he spends heaps of time in his room. He hasn’t even played or talked to Chris for ages,” Andy answered sounding a little worried about Bradie’s behaviour. I don’t blame him, I was worried too.

I sighed what was wrong with him? I know I don’t treat him like it but, he’s my best friend. I think I’m even closer to him than I am to Andy. Me and Bradie grew out of the drinking and partying faze before Andy. Bradie’s always more serious than Andy; I feel like I can tell him anything and he won’t laugh at me no matter how stupid or embarrassing it is. I put my head in my hands. What was wrong with my best friend?

“How long has he been acting like this?” Lee questioned. I forgot he was here.

“Um, I think it’s been about...actually it was after him and Christy broke up about six or seven weeks ago,” Andy exclaimed.

Was it just that my best mate was regretting breaking up with his girl? To me it feels like something a lot bigger.

BRADIE’S POV

After I got to mine and Shaun’s room, which we all have right here in the studio for about two weeks; I got on my laptop. I decided to Google some of my symptoms because honestly I have no idea what’s going on. A lot of the symptoms came up with stuff like depression and anxiety. But, there was another one, something that caught my eye. There in black and white it said “identity crisis”. I read on just to see what that meant...I wish I didn’t. It said I could be “confused with my sexuality”. What? I’m not gay or bi! I’m just regular old straight Bradie who’s interested in women. Aren’t I? I have to admit that I haven’t been attracted to any women lately, but I haven’t been attracted to any men either!

Just as I was getting all freaked out about this Shaun walked in.

“Hey man, whoa, you look like you saw a ghost or something,” Shaun pointed out that I had gone really pale.

I just let out a nervous laugh.

Shaun sat on his bed which was right beside mine. We decided that Andy should have his own room since he snores and well, he sleeps naked.

“Are you okay?” Shaun asked me.

“Yep,” I responded a little too quickly.

“You sure? Andy said you’ve been quiet and spending heaps of time in your room lately, well, since you and Christy broke up,” Shaun explained.

“Yeah, but I’m okay,” I lied. I couldn’t help it, I wasn’t gonna tell him what’s really going on.

“You can tell me anything, mate. You’re not being yourself, we can all see that,” Shaun peeked over at my laptop to see what I was looking at, “do you think you have depression?”

Phew, I’m glad he didn’t see the “identity crisis” part. I turned my laptop away from him so he wouldn’t read anymore.

“No,” I lied putting my head down.

Shaun gave me a sympathetic look.

“I think you do. I think you should go to a doctor, I’ll go with you if you want,” Shaun suggested. He was an amazing friend at times; he obviously cares about me a lot.

“Thanks, but I’m alright, Shaun, I don’t have depression,” I lied straight to his face.

Shaun got up and embraced me in a hug. That’s weird, we never hug.

“You tell me what’s going on when you’re ready,” Shaun said in the hug, I just nodded.

“Alright, I’m fucked, I’m gonna get some sleep,” Shaun said pulling his shirt over his head.

It was weird, but, I found myself looking at him out the corner of my eye. What am I doing?! He’s a guy! And he’s my best friend! When he took his pants off I knew; I knew that something was going on in my head. Am I gay?