The First Flight ❀ COLIFER

Chapter 33 ❀ I will let you go

                   

❀ (This video is one of my favorite Captain Swan videos and it totally inspired me to write this chapter (and the previous one) 😊) ❀

                   

It was so quiet and yet all I wanted to do was scream. He just stood there, having complete power over me just by laying his eyes on me.

And he had no idea.

"But you said you'd never been in love," he finally let out, his voice no more than a whisper.

"I was trying to tell you something that night, just like you were when you gave that note to Josh in Hawaii." I swallowed, but a lump was blocking my throat. "I'd never been in love... before you."

He opened his mouth and closed it again, clearly not knowing what to say, but I blurt it out before he could answer— and before I would lose the courage to say it.

"You were my first love."

And I wish that one day I will be able to not want you so badly that I can scarcely breathe.

I was fighting to keep up the walls as I took the last step that separated us. I didn't want to, but another tear rolled down my cheek the exact moment I leaned forward to press my lips onto his.

One last time.

I didn't want to get lost in it, but I almost did. My hands found their way up to his hair, to pull him closer to me, but the only reason why I was doing that was because he was kissing me back.

He was kissing me back, and he shouldn't be, because he had a wife. But he was holding my face in his hands, and we were sharing a moment that was infinite in its limitation.  

It was only a few seconds. But it was like every time I touched him: in my mind it seemed to last forever, and I still felt his lips onto mine after I'd pulled back.

There were tears in his eyes too now.

I turned around.

Walking away from him felt like something got ripped out of my chest. Because despite the walls I put back up after losing him in Hawaii, part of me hadn't let him go yet. Part of me never let him go, until that moment I started walking towards the door.

And this time it was over.

As soon as I'd turned away from him I knew I needed to get out. I was on the edge of falling apart right there in the room with him, but I was able to keep in the first sob until I was in the hallway again.

Then tears start pouring, my hands were shaking and my legs felt like jello, but I ran anyway.

Oh god, oh god. My fingers went up to touch my lips where they touched his moments before, and everything around me was nothing more than a blur when it came out like a breathless cry.

"I love you."

I yanked the front door open and stumbled outside, the mask still in my hand. Getting in the open air wasn't a relief: it felt like someone wrapped a warm blanket around me. I still couldn't breathe. This was the hottest night since the beginning of summer, and it was the last thing I needed right now.

I looked back at the house, and then I decided I had to get out of here. It was a twenty-minute walk to my house, but I didn't feel like going back inside anyway. I couldn't.

I started walking, not worrying about my purse or my coat. I knew Ginny would return them to me, but there was one thing...

"Jennifer?"

I jerked my head back; Alex was standing on the driveway next to the car of Colin's dad. He'd taken off his mask and his hair seemed curlier than ever.

He took a few hesitant steps, but he stopped about fifteen feet away from me.

"Is everything alright? Are you okay?"

I thought about it for a second, but I knew I couldn't fool him when tears were already starting to well up in my eyes. I shook my head, and then I ran towards him. He caught me when I got to him.

"Hey, what's going on?" He wrapped his arms around me and held the back of my head, soothingly rubbing over my hair. "I got worried when you were taking so long to get some drinks, so I came to check on you. Where were you going?"

"I needed to get out of there," I said.

"Get out of here? Were you going to walk home?"

"Yes." I looked up at him as more tears rolled down my cheeks. There was a frown on his face, and I could see that he was trying to put all the pieces together.

"Guy trouble?" he asked.  

I nodded.

His eyebrows went up when he made the connection. "Colin? He's the guy—"

"Yes." I closed my eyes and sighed when he used both of his thumbs to wipe away the tears on my face. When I looked up at him again, he smiled down on me.

"Okay, how about this: we go to your place, you get in some comfy pajamas and we watch a movie. With a snack."

"And a drink."

"No," he said, to my great surprise, but the smile on his face got even bigger. "I'm not going to get drunk on our second date. And I'm not going to allow you to get drunk either, because that's not the solution to your problem."

I knew he was right. "Okay."

"Okay?"

"Yes."

"Okay. Then I'm going to get your stuff and call a cab."

* * *

I waited on the pavement as Alex ran back inside to get our stuff. Part of me expected to feel guilty about taking him with me, but for some reason I didn't. And it was only when he came racing outside again that I realized why: Alex was a friend, and I needed him right now. I was just doing what my gut was telling me to do.

I smiled as I took my purse and coat from him. We sat down on the pavement after he'd called a cab, and we'd been waiting for a few minutes when I grabbed his hand.

"When we get home... I need to tell you. About him."

He squeezed my hand. "Only if you want t—"

"Last time I was still convinced that this wasn't any of your business," I said, "But I don't want you to be the guy who just picks up the pieces after I fall apart. You came all the way from New York to see me, you deserve more than that."

His eyebrows went up in surprise, but the corner of his mouth curled into a smile. "Okay."

"And I'm just done with keeping secrets in general."

He looked at me for a few more seconds. Then we saw the cab rounding the corner of the street, and Alex pulled me up when it stopped in front of us.

"After you, Milady."