Supernatural One Shots

The Dolly Llama (Crack!fic)

(or The One In Which Cas Plays With Dolls and Dean Makes The Llama Face To Annoy Him) 

This is crack. That is it. I literally can't explain this...

Castiel poofed into the bunker and sat in the chair next to Dean. His face was scrunched in concentration, and he held a Barbie doll in his hand.

“Dude, what the hell are you doing?” Dean asked, looking up to see Castiel toying with the velcro on the back of the Barbie’s dress.

“I found this in a dumpster. Some ungrateful child threw it out.”

“Why were you dumpster diving?”

“Dean,” Castiel said, turning his bright blue gaze on his hunter charge. “Dumpster diving is not possible. I guess it could be if the dumpster were functioning as a pool, but this one was full of trash.”

“Cas...” Dean sighed, shaking his head and laughing breathily. “Dumpster diving is rummaging through dumpsters for shit other people throw out that’s perfectly good.”

“Oh... Well in that case, yes, I was ‘dumpster diving’.” He turned his eyes back to the Barbie, raising an arm and then putting it back down.

“Seriously, that’s a little girl’s toy.” Dean scoffed at the disgruntled expression on Cas’s face.

“And? That should not matter.” Cas looked up at Dean again. “Men are traditionally supposed to be females’ mates, but I don’t see that as being a quarrel for you.” Dean’s jaw dropped.

“Did you just call me gay?!” Dean clenched his fists.

“I’m not calling you anything. I’m simply making an observation that you seem just as attracted to men as you are to women.” Cas looked down at the Barbie, and he began to play with it again. Dean scowled at the top of his head but eventually went back to his battered copy of Slaughter-House Five.

After about an hour, Dean looked up, and he saw that Cas was still inspecting the Barbie curiously. If it were Sam, Dean would’ve teased his ass six ways since Sunday, but he was gentler on Cas. Cas didn’t know any better. If he wanted to play with a girl’s toy, then Dean should let him. Dean smiled a little at the frustration on Cas’s face as he tried to coax the Barbie’s arm out of the dress so he could inspect it.

Dean tolerated Cas’s strange behaviour for another hour or so before it got beyond oddly endearing to fucking weird. Finally, Dean couldn’t stand it and he had an outburst.

“Dammit Cas! That’s fucking creepy!”

“What is?” He looked up from where he had been intensely inspecting the Barbie’s feet for the past hour.

“That.” Dean gestured vaguely at the Barbie. “You gotta stop, man.” Cas ignored Dean and went on playing with the Barbie. More like researching it, Dean thought. Dean couldn’t take it. He decided to take drastic action. Dean sat back lazily in his chair and looked over at Cas. Cas looked up, and Dean shot him a wink before tilting his head back. Cas tilted his head to the side in his usual ‘Confused Cas’ face.

“What are you doing, Dean?”

“Just watch, dammit.” Dean grabbed his own mouth and pulled his lips out. Cas furrowed his brow. Before he could ask, Dean began to emit a strange noise. It could be described as a cross between a yodel and a Wookie call. 

Cas’s eyes bugged out of his head. What was this strange noise that Dean was making? It was nothing Cas had ever heard before. He returned to playing with his Barbie, and Dean stopped, scowling. After a few minutes of awkward silence, Cas cleared his throat.

“Dean, what exactly were you doing?” Cas stole a glance up at Dean, who was smirking.

“What, did it annoy you?”

“That isn’t what I asked.”

“It was the llama face, Cas.”

 “That did not resemble a llama.” Dean slapped a palm to his face and Cas stared on in confusion, but at least the Barbie was forgotten.