seven parts of me [on hold]

chapstick and brotherly love

April 2014

Maybe if I didn't have a habit of always running away from my feelings when things get messy, then River just might be coaxing me into getting into bed with him, instead of into clothes.

Instead, I'm dressing stiffly in tight jeans and River's old Guns & Roses tshirt, adorned with Chucks and red eyes.

My lips were raw and magenta from excessively gnawing on them, missing their warmth of River's. There were some things even Chapstick couldn't do.

What I couldn't understand, was why I missed him as much as I did.
I mean, I went months without seeing nor speaking to River in between visits, and never batted an eyelash. Yet now, I felt as if three of my fingers were gone. I could function yes, but it wasn't pleasant, difficult, and very unsettling. A part of a me was missing, a very big part at that.

I needed a beer.

Or a shot of tequila.

Or a spare cigarette from Blaze.

If River knew I'd been sneaking smokes, he'd kick my ass before lecturing me for hours on the consequences of smoking. He'd remind me for the millionth time of his great uncle, who smoked three packs a day for years, died from cancer. Never mind that his uncle died from skin cancer, and had nothing to do with the fact he smoked, but more to do with River's uncle feeling the need to get weekly faux tans inside a tanning booth.

"Vanity!" I cringed at the thought of facing Blaze again. He got here a few days ago, and after the initial hug he buried me in, it got a been strained between us. That wasn't his fault, he was actually being ridiculously understanding; something I never thought I'd say about Blaze. It was me, holing myself in my room and refusing to come out.

I really, really did not want to come out of this room though.

I didn't want to face the world knowing that it was lacking River's dorky jokes and sarcastic comments.

I didn't want to my family to give me looks of sympathy.

I didn't want to, I didn't want to.

Blaze, on the other hand, was apparently not okay with that.

He let me stay in here the first two days, by the third he was excessively knocking, and today, he demanded I come out. He said we would just go to grab a bite to eat, and then I could come home and sulk some more.

"Vanity," Blake shouted, his voice cross with annoyance. I ground my teeth into my shredded lips, and picked up my bag. If River was here, he'd tease me about my untied laces, and step on the loose strings repeatedly while giggling like a three year old.

Blaze's face was frowning in pity, but I chose to advert my eyes from his and stare at our shoe-clad feet.

"Are you ready?" he all but whispers. I shrugged my shoulders, and marched past him. I don't want to leave this house, I don't want to go out to eat, and I don't want to "get over" River. I just wanted to sulk in my room.

Blaze and I walked side by side along the bustling of the city streets. I was grateful Blaze didn't ask if I wanted to walk, nor did he bring up my lack of ability to get in a car. After a damn taxi took River's ability to kiss me senseless, I haven't felt the urge to ride in, or go near one.

"Get us a table, I'll get you your usual," Blaze commented as we entered the quant café. I breathed in the scent of coffee beans and alertness.

"Can you get me a regular coffee, two cream one sugar, instead?" Blaze nodded, and I ventured to find us a place to sit. I ended up in a corner booth awaiting River's usual coffee order. I sat criss-crossed in the plush booth, like I did when I was a child. I never really lost the habit, even though my mother liked to scold me about it. River would always smirk when I did it. I missed the way his lips easily formed into the lazy action, even though it was mostly smug.

"Thank you." Blaze had handed me the steaming coffee and sat down across from me. I tipped my head back and gulped down a large drink, amercing myself in the burning liquid, feeling my throat tighten as it burned my tongue.

"God, you're weird." I snorted, and let the blistering drink fill my mouth once more, before settle the cup down, and was clearly marked, Faith. I smirked at the name Blaze had used. He knew the name still meant things to me, and the thought had a small smile playing at my lips.

"How're you feeling?" Images of River's head mashing against the prickling asphalt, as my head whipped around to catch sight of him falling. The gooey, acid-feeling bile rose in my throat, and I gulped another sizzling sip down, pushing the vile taste back in.

"Fine." My voice was clipped and my eyes fell flat, aligning themselves with his. Blaze's eyebrow quirked and I could see his jaw working. I knew I was getting on his nerves some, which was natural, considering we've never really gotten along.

"God, I never thought my sister would break because of a guy."

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