No one ever said that love would be easy; but, no one ever said that it'd hurt either. I was never given an instruction manual when I got into a relationship with you, Vic. I never got proper directions on how to love you; because, if I did, then, I wouldn't be where I am now at this very moment. No one told me that if I took more than 1 dose of your verbal abuse then I'd be hooked. I didn't know my self-worth, so I left it up to you to define it for me. According to you, I was a liar, I was sneaky, and I was insecure…and I was too weak for you. No one ever told me that if a man truly loved a woman then he wouldn't tear her down. I didn't know how a man was supposed to love me; so, I left it up to you to show me. I took almost 24 doses in almost 2 years and the side effects of you were hurt, self-doubt, and tear stained pillows at least twice a week.
I thought crying and being emotional was for the weak...according to you, I had to be strong. Having too many feelings and emotions were sure signs of weakness according to you, and you needed a strong woman on your team... So what did I do? I began to change for you. I continued to take more doses of you. I was addicted. I was so dependent on you that I was afraid to leave and afraid of you leaving me. No one ever told me that love would be easy...but no one ever told me it'd hurt this much either. No one warned me that the side effects of a broken man was possessiveness, insecurity, and self-doubt. Blinded by the fact that I finally had someone to love me, I pushed the side effects away to the back of my mind and I began to take more doses of you. I thought all men showed love this way ... after all you were here while my own biological father didn't even bother to stay.
I was never given directions on how I was supposed to love you but that could've been because I wasn't given any on how to love me either. I couldn't properly love and appreciate you because I didn't know how to love and appreciate myself ... No one told me... No one warned me... No one informed me ... Or maybe they did but I was too high on you to even bother reading the directions. My head was so stuck in the clouds when someone tried to put the instruction manual in my hand. I didn't hold on tight enough so it slipped out...nowhere to be found…so I found you....my usual fix. My familiarity. My dose. You treated me the same and with you I felt it all. Pleasure, pain, satisfaction, loneliness, comfort, self-doubt, lust, destruction, insecurity, love? I think...
You came with a lot of side effects that I hadn't even known about until someone placed the instruction manual in my heart. I began to feel. I began to understand. I learned how to love myself. I stopped doubting myself. I took pride in the way I carried myself. God did a new work in me...and what have you done for me? You what? You loved me? I thought you did, until I read the fine print on your bottle. It said: "WARNING: DOESN’T BELIEVE IN GOD, UNEQUALLY YOKED, RUDE, ARROGANT, DISRESPECTFUL, ULTIMATELY LEADS TO A BROKEN HEART" because of you, I had to go to spiritual rehabilitation, I learned to love myself without the bondage of conditions.
Love is not supposed to hurt, but you chose to hurt me...me not properly loving myself and trying to love you, hurt you as well. ...but thank God for conviction, repentance, and change. I've traded in my heart-ache, and I'd like true love in exchange ...and please don't forget the instruction manual and directions as well...
Choosing to leave Vic was the easiest decision I had ever made. I no longer knew him. I no longer liked him. However, choosing to keep my mind from wondering to him seemed to be impossible. Although I didn’t want to be with him, my mind would often wonder what he was doing or if he was thinking of me…I even wondered if he missed me. Although it had been months since we broke up, he still invaded my dreams. I would have nightmares of him trying to hurt me. There were countless times where I would wake up in a cold sweat because I had yet another nightmare about him. At least twice a week, I would have a dream about me going through the miscarriage again but in the dreams, he would be laughing while I would be holding a stillborn in my arms.
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Confessions of a Christian Girl: Naked and Unashamed
RomanceGrowing up in the time of HIV and AIDS seems to be the understatement for this book. When fourteen year old Nicole Pierce meets high school playboy Vic Owens, everything seems “perfect” until his true colors begin to show. Blinded by love, lust, a...
