Dead Attachment

Chapter Eight : Death

-EIGHT-

DEATH

                I push the door and step in as the smell of old people and peppermint greets me. The clinic is just small with a waiting area on the left while on the right is a desk. The walls are color light green, the typical color of hospitals and clinics.

The nurse sitting behind it isn’t aware of my presence and continues to scribble something down on a sheet of paper. There are a couple of kids sitting with their parents on the chairs and an old woman who’s petting her dog. I wonder what’s the reason they’re here; illness, injury or emotional problems.

                “Good morning, Ma’am.” The nurse behind the desk greets me with a wide smile, finally noticing me just standing before the desk. “Can I help you?”

                “I’m just looking for my Dad, Mr. Grays.” She scans a piece of paper, squinting her hazel eyes. “He’s the new dentist, you know the—”

                “Aah.” She says, like she just drank something and felt satisfied. “Last door at the right. He should be there.” She points at the narrow hallway ahead and I nod.

                “Thanks.” I walk slowly, taking my time, as I head to the direction she just pointed at, feeling cold because of the super high air conditioner. I don’t want to think about the chills right now. I’m feeling a bit depressed and I don’t want to feel worst.

                I reach the end of the hallway and stare at Dad’s door for a moment. I run my hand through the gold plate that has his name imprinted on it. I sigh deeply, fixing my shirt and rubbing my eyes, not having the slightest bit of idea why I’m here.

                Even if he has a patient, I’m still going to walk right in and talk to him because he’s the only person I know that can make me feel better.

                 I turn the doorknob open the door and see Dad, arms around a woman while she has her leg wrapped around his leg and kissing her, strenuously. I think I’ve just been frozen there at the door, my whole body paralyzed. “Dad?” I squeak.

                “Darlene?!” He and the woman release each other, both startled, as they compose themselves, still gasping from the moment. The buttons of his plaid shirt is open, revealing his hairy chest, looking really wasted. The woman, cursing under her breath, runs a hand through her messy ponytail.

                I back away from the door as I feel tears sting my eyes again. I cover my mouth, trying to stop myself from breaking down in front of them.

                “Darlene I can explain—” He stumbles forward to reach for me but I quickly spin around and sprint for the door.

                “No! Just leave me alone!” I scream, my voice trembling as I start to cry again. That must be her. The doctor that he said he despised. She’s the doctor that pissed my Dad, so why? Why did I just catch my Dad, making out with the person he said he hates? Why her of all the people? I don’t even know her so why her!

                “Ma’am? What happened?” The nurse stands up, looking really worried but I ignore her and walk out the door, feeling helpless and alone.

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                I run.

Run so fast that I feel like I’m one with the wind. I don’t care if somebody sees me like this, like a total mess, crying pathetically and my hair everywhere, because all I want to do is go home and sleep. I don’t care if I’m alone in Grandma’s house and if I’ll experience the chills again or If I’ll dream about my Mom again, because I’m just really tired and I want to sleep.

My throat tightens, feeling as I’m being choked. I ignore the feeling and keep running, thinking that I’m going to be fine.

But I’m not. The next thing I know, I’m hyperventilating so hard that I can’t breathe. I count one to ten, reminding myself that I should relax my shoulders and breathe evenly. I can almost picture the nurse in front of me when was 11, saying those things when I hyperventilated at school because of Susan, the most popular girl at that time, for bullying me.

But it doesn’t make me feel better. I can remember the nurse saying that this can be caused by strong emotions that I can’t control. I fall on my knees and push my hands to my chest, as if I’m ripping my heart out.

Everything starts to blur, like everything is spinning around me while I’m here gasping so hard for air. All I can think about is breathing normally again and that I don’t want to die.

I close my eyes, counting from one to ten again, keeping in mind that I can’t die here. Not now when I have to explain to Grandma what happened before. Not now when Liam still has to apologize. Not now when Dad has to explain to me why the hell was he making out with that woman. Not now when I still want to live. Not now, not here where I’m alone, lost on the other side of town.

The thought lingers in my head, making it harder for me to breathe knowing that this is it, I’m going to die right now. I imagine my Dad and Grandma crying before my tombstone, so sad that I left them too soon, sooner than Grandma. I’ve already told Dad before that if I’m not going to be buried beside Mom, I choose to be cremated instead.

I imagine my Mom, tucking me in bed and telling a story before she closes the light and plants a kiss on my forehead. I imagine death being as sweet and easy as that.

When I’ve already accepted that I’m going to die here, that was the moment I suddenly hear a voice.

“Darlene? Are you okay?” The words are blurry and almost echo-like. I feel myself being shaken as I still gasp for air.

An image appears before me, it’s so blurry that I don’t know if it’s really somebody or just an imagination. It seems to be saying something that I can’t make out. I try to say something, anything, but the effort of gasping for air takes its toll on me that I can’t speak at all.

That’s when I couldn’t take it anymore. I gasp for air one more time and everything blacks out, wiping away everything around me, making me feel like I’m dead.