Loch Ness Monster Explained

Chapter 12a - MONSTROUS - The Media Monster

Promoting Nessie Hunt was great fun while wearing my cap as a director of the Loch Ness Centre. I am sure all the PR we created would have generated thousands of game sales if only the game had been in the retailers, which of course it was not.

On one occasion I had the great privilege and thrill to appear on Saturday Superstore, a live TV programme watched by millions every week. Keith Chegwin, a bit of an icon in those days, was to interview me and stage a participatory Nessie competition for children, who could also telephone-in with questions.

Wendy and I arrived at the now-defunct, main BBC building – known as the "magic doughnut" owing to its cylindrical shape – and were taken by the producer to a tiny guests' lounge. We were ushered in and introduced to two other guests – Michael Palin of Monty Python fame and Midge Ure of Thin Lizzy, Ultravox and Band Aid.

What great fun meeting them both, in particular the delightful Michael Palin of whom we were both great fans. I managed to hold back any comments about parrots ... alive or dead.

One of the presenters was a particularly beautiful girl called Sarah Greene with her lovely, "girl next door" personality, so sweet that butter wouldn't melt in her mouth. It was great to see her backstage, but of course people are not always quite what you expect when you actually meet them, although Michael Palin was. At one point just off camera we were standing watching another part of the show and Sarah obviously recognised someone standing behind us. She beamed at the other girl, ran over towards us, and then destroyed all my illusions by greeting the friend, in no quiet voice, "Hello fart face, how are you?".

We also met DJ Mike Read and others during this show and I was invited to take part in the famous Superstore Pop Panel which allowed me to make comments about that week's selected songs.

The actual interview gave me the opportunity to promote the exhibition centre and to talk about the Nessie Hunt project. A cartoon of the Ness Family produced by Peter Maddocks was shown during my part of the programme with a great song called "You'll never find a Nessie in the zoo".

Strangely I was later contacted by Peter Maddocks when Nessie Hunt was about to be launched, suggesting that we had stolen his idea for a game. Nonsense, of course, but this added to my paranoia that the game concept could be poached and may have contributed to our expensive decision to produce the game ourselves.

I returned once more for Superstore and also did two programmes for commercial television called No 73 with the zoo vet, David Taylor, a fascinating cat lover. On one of the shows I appeared with the gentleman who invented the kettle which stood on a self-powered base. As almost every home has one today I assume he is now a multi-millionaire.

The only disappointing element of appearing on these shows was the naivety of the interviewers, David Taylor excepted, who either wanted to discuss plesiosaurs or thought the whole idea of Nessie was nothing but a joke or invention for the tourist industry.

The same problem is encountered with documentary teams coming to cover the subject. A producer will turn up a couple of weeks before shooting in order to study the subject in depth. Having completely misunderstood almost everything they are told, they then go on to produce a script which contains the most unadulterated rubbish.

Even respected individuals like the late Arthur C Clarke drew incorrect conclusions from information gleaned. His series, Arthur C Clarke's Mysterious World, naturally produced a programme on lake monsters.

In this he showed a swimming elephant (again) to explain away the Surgeon's Photograph, but what really annoyed me was his final statement, "Surely, if the Japanese can't find it, can it really exist?".

This is so typical of poor research. Clarke and many others must have heard about the Japanese expedition from the early eighties. They were bringing submarines and all the latest equipment to finally resolve the mystery. Yes, we all heard about it, but can anyone remember what was achieved? No, but, as Clarke said, if they couldn't find it then how could it exist?

Well, the Japanese expedition did come. It was staged by Osamu Noguchi, the entertainment impresario who staged the Mohammed Ali bout against a kick-boxer. When the much-publicised expedition arrived, it comprised four people with Nikon cameras, one of which had a 200mm lens. They also brought a sonar, which was of the type used by boats to ensure they would not run aground. Its depth range was one hundred feet*. They had no logistics (boats, piers or base camp etc.) in place. They took one look at the loch and then vanished into obscurity.

We never heard of them or their expedition again except when Clarke's programme, in its umpty-umpth repeat, keeps on telling the world that if the Japanese can't find it, it can't really exist?

Infuriating for serious researchers and observers alike.

Monstrous? You'd better believe it.

* The loch is 754 feet (230 metres) deep.

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(C) 2018 Tony Harmsworth