Mi Corazón

Chapter 13- Lovino

TRIGGER WARNING:
Potential triggers are listed at the bottom of the chapter (I don't want to give any spoilers right at the start of the chapter). If you have any triggers, please check at the end of this chapter before proceeding to read this chapter.
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Chapter 13- Lovino's POV

My alarm clock buzzed monotonously. It woke me up. I let it keep buzzing. I didn't care any more. I didn't even bother to look at it. I already knew I was late.

I dragged myself out of bed. I didn't bother to make the bed. I left it messy just like every day.

I ran a hand through my hair where my curl used to be. I was glad I cut it off. Then nobody else would be able to take advantage of me like he did.

I trudged through the shallow sea of food wrappers and dirty clothes that had accumulated on my bedroom floor over the past few months. My wardrobe was practically empty. I slowly dressed in the same work clothes I wore every day and went downstairs.

I skipped breakfast. I was never hungry in the mornings. I dragged myself to my car. It was dull green, covered by a layer of dirt and grime. But still I drove it in silence, eyes straight ahead on the road.

The restaurant was as it was usually. I walked around with a painfully false smile plastered on my face. I took orders. I did what I was told.

I considered ways to improve my life, decided they were too far fetched and instead considered ways to make other people's lives worse. The best way I'd thought of so far: 'Do an Antonio."

Ususally at the thought of a man called Antonio Fernandez Carriedo, my heart would go through a series of gut wrenching twists and turns, squeezing and churning and freezing and burning. Instead I just felt the same monotonous emptiness. Always full of nothing. Just grey space.

I didn't even look at the beach. It had lost its beauty. Some ground up rock and salt water. You've seen one, you've seen them all.

Every day I got worse. There's no point in denying it. Every day I got more and more certain that Antonio Fernandez Carriedo hated me. He had always hated me. I should've seen it coming. All he wanted was sex and he got it so good for him.
All anybody wants from anybody is something for themself. My grandpa just wanted someone to boss around and work for him for a rediculously low salary. All my brother wanted was somebody even more pathetic that him so he could feel better about himself. Nobody in this world really loved anybody. I knew that now.

And what was life worth living without love? Without a purpose?

I'm not going to sugar coat this. There is no one and nothing in the world worth caring about except yourself. I didn't even have that so what was the point?

At the end of the day I decided to walk home. My car could stay at the restaurant and rot for all I cared. I took a few detours and ended up in some street. Seemed like a good place to sleep. Or not sleep. My house would have to look after itself for a while.

There was a bridge over a river nearby too, that might be nice to take a relaxing morning stroll over the edge of tomorrow. Or now...

I walked to the bridge and peered over the edge. It was near the sea, so it was a wide and rather shallow river estuary. Would it kill me to take a stroll off the edge into that? Well you can drown in any volume of water big enough to cover your face and if not, the fall could kill me instead so I guess I could give it a shot. I had nothing to live for, so I might as well die.

I took my shoes off as if I was just going in for a quick dip, a little paddle in the river. I climbed up the railing and stood on the bar with my bare feet wobbling on the cold metal.

He never loved me. He didn't. He got sick of me and went off back to Spain to live a happy life without me. He kept texting me 'I'm coming back.' nearly every day but he never did. He'd been away for almost a year. He clearly wasn't coming back. He didn't need me. Nobody did. Not even me.

I laughed a little and a single tear ran down my cheek. I held out my arms, letting the cool breeze run through my hair and cool my face. It was so tranquil, so peaceful. I teetered on the edge for a moment.

I heard someone hiss "Shit!" at the end of the street and then there were footsteps running towards me. I just stared into the horizon, holding my arms out to the wind. I didn't care about whoever that was and their shitty problems. I didn't care about anything. Time to let go. I leaned forward a little, preparing myself to step off the edge.

A panicked voice screamed "NO STOP!" I blocked it out. Please get mugged on a different street, I'm trying to jump off a bridge here. There was yet another scream behind me. I tried to block out all my senses.

"LOVINO! SHIT!" A pair of strong hands grabbed me round the waist and yanked me back from the edge with considerable force.
"LOVINO WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?!"
Firm hands pressed down hard on my shoulders.
"YOU STAY AWAY FROM THAT EDGE, YOU UNDERSTAND?! DON'T YOU DARE DO THAT AGAIN!"
I was pulled into a tight hug and then quickly released.

The person who saved me was crying, his cheeks streaked with tears. I felt the cogs in my brain start to turn again and the glaze over my eyes melted away.

It was Antonio.

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TRIGGER WARNING:
This chapter contains suicide references.