Beyond Repair (short story)

Chapter 8

It was a long night of me explaining everything that I could about my family to Toby. While I told him about what my father did to me, I felt so disgusting, so dirty, and so sinful. Tears poured down my cheeks, and wouldn’t stop no matter how much hugging there was. He said it wasn’t my fault that stuff happened.

Now, it’s 7 am, Toby is sleeping next to me, and I’m wide awake, thinking about everything. His reaction went from confused, to shocked, to angry, to understanding, to caring all in one night, but I was still scared. Scared that he’d tell Sean and Riley, scared that he wouldn’t believe me, or even worse, leave me. I could feel more tears streaming down my face as I scooted carefully out of bed and to my dresser. I stopped, remembering that Toby had thrown away my blade before he fell asleep, and sighed. I needed to find something else.

            Getting an idea, I walked into my bathroom and grabbed the razor that I use to shave my legs. I pressed the handle to the counter top and pushed down hard, so I could break it. When it snapped, I gently pulled out one of the blades and ran it under water to clean it off. I was so out of it that I didn’t realize Toby was awake until he grabbed the blade out of my hand. I was about to cry.

“Toby, please, just give it back, please.” I begged, putting my hands out.

He shook his head. “No way, Lee.” He said and grabbed my hand and led me back into my room, sitting me down on the bed.

“You need to stop this. You can’t keep thinking that this is the only way out, because it’s not. You have me, Sean, and Riley to help you. We love you, a lot, and want you safe. There’s no way I’m going to just let you hurt yourself. What happened to you wasn’t at all your fault; you were a child locked in a prison, with all of your innocence ripped away from you. I’m going to help you. You will be okay.”

            I was sobbing halfway through his little speech. I wanted so much to tell Toby how wonderful he was, and so much more, but I couldn’t stop crying. Instead I just wrapped my arms around him and held him tight until I could breathe normally again. “Please…don’t tell…anyone...” I said through small sobs.

I could feel him nodding his head, so I relaxed a little and looked up at him. “I’m so sorry. I should’ve told you a long time ago, I just couldn’t...”

Toby put his hand up for me to stop talking, and then put it down. “Lee, you weren’t ready to tell me earlier. I’m glad I know now, because now I can help. I’m not going to just sit around and watch as you destroy yourself, and I’m definitely not letting your dad get you. I’m here for you. Always.” He said, tightening his hold on me.

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When both of us were fully dressed and ready, we made our way down the stairs and out the door. Riley and Sean were both at work so we had the house to ourselves. We sat down on the porch and lit a cigarette, silence consuming us. After a little while, Toby was the one to break the silence. “So what should we do today?” He asked.

I shrugged and took a drag of my cigarette. “I don’t know.” I replied quietly, focusing my gaze on the ground.

In the corner of my eye I could see Toby look over to me, he still looked a bit tired. He sighed. “Maybe we should talk to Sean and Riley.” He suggested.

I looked over to him, a shocked expression plastered on my face. “No! You promised me you wouldn’t tell anyone, Toby!” I shouted.

Toby then put his hand on my knee and shook his head. “I know, that’s why I’m asking you, Lee. I was just suggesting it.” He said.

I bit down on my lip and nodded. I returned my gaze back to the ground and took another drag of my cigarette. I couldn’t stand the thought of them knowing. What if they got mad at me? What if they thought I was the reason their family was torn apart? Small tears welled up in my eyes and before Toby could stop me, I flicked me cigarette and ran into the house, slamming the door behind me. I didn’t have long, so I bolted up the stairs and into my room, then into my bathroom. Locking the door behind me, I looked around. Toby may have taken that one razor, but I still had more.

I opened up a small cabinet under the sink. Grabbing another razor that I used to shave my legs, I broke it like the last one. Smiling a little, I washed off the blade then rolled up my sleeve. Right as I pressed the blade to my arm, Toby started banging on the door. “Lee! Open this door right now! You don’t need to do this, please!

Toby kept yelling but I didn’t hear any of it. I was stuck in my own little world now, and nothing could stop me. The blade went back and forth on my arm. Over and over. The cuts were trailing up my forearm and blood trickled down onto the floor. I couldn’t stop. I didn’t want to stop.

I eventually had to though. I stopped after 43 new cuts all up and down my left am. I turned on the sink and washed the blade off, then put it in the cabinet and looked at my arm. The blood was so mesmerizing. I couldn’t stop staring at it. It was my own little master piece that I was able to control. There were so many things around me that I couldn’t take control of, but this was it. I could keep this for me. For my own benefit.

After about 10 minutes I washed off my arm and pulled my sleeve back down. I was scared to open the bathroom door, fearing what Toby was going to do. I sighed slightly; I knew I had to do it. I reached for the handle and slowly opened the door.

He wasn’t there. Confused, I slowly walked out of my room and down the stairs. Where was he? “Toby?” I called out, hoping to get an answer, but didn’t.

 Biting down on my lip, I walked around my house in hopes to find him. He wasn’t in any of the rooms. I sighed, then decided to check the front porch. I made my way to the door and swung it open. There he was, smoking a joint out on the steps.

I slowly walked outside and shut the door behind me. Sitting down next to him I sighed and ran my fingers through my hair. He looked angry and upset. I didn’t know what to say. “Let me see.” Toby said, not even looking at me.

I was hesitant, and didn’t want to show him. That’s when he grabbed my arm gently and pulled my sleeve up. I watched as his gaze focused down on the freshly made cuts, but his expression didn’t change. He only looked at them for a few seconds before looking away and pulling my sleeve back down. I wanted to know what was going through his mind, but I didn’t think he’d tell me. I sat there in silence watching him smoke his joint. “Can I have some?” I asked, quietly.

Toby handed me the joint then watched me take a hit. “What would you do if I did what you just did?” He asked.

I was shocked. After handing him back the joint, I spoke up. “I would probably cry. Scream maybe. Beg.” I said, looking at him wondering why he was asking this.

“So how do you think I feel?” He asked, staring down at his feet.

“Terrible.” I said simply.

He laughed a little. “Terrible.” He repeated, then shook his head. “It’s more than that, Lee. Way more.” He told me.

I didn’t understand why. I was doing this to myself and myself only. I didn’t want to hurt him or anyone else. All I wanted to do was punish myself and forget things, and that was it. My goal was to hurt myself so I wouldn’t hurt others. Everything was flipping around in my head now. I didn’t know what to say, think, or do. I wanted to just curl up in a ball under a rock somewhere. I was so screwed up, and I’m pretty sure Toby knew that.

I gave a small sigh and looked over to Toby. I had to make this right. “Toby, I’m really sorry. I promise. Please forgive me.” I said, not knowing anything else to say.

He huffed. “It’s not about forgiving you, Lee. It’s about you getting better.”

I bit down on my lip. I didn’t want to get better. I didn’t need to get better. I was perfectly fine the way I was. I could handle things my own way; I didn’t need anyone else’s help. Why would he suggest that? He was just like Sean and Riley! They wanted to send me to therapy, and now he wants me to get help? What was going on. I couldn’t. I wouldn’t.