Guinevere (Book 1)

Chapter 15

The sun has a hint of warmth and the light breeze that tousles my hair smells like the beginning of Spring. It is a cool breeze, however, so I draw my cloak closer around me. Although a new season is coming, winter is reluctant to leave so easily. Keeping a tight hold on my cloak, I bend and lay a bouquet of roses before the stone door of my mother's tomb. After fiddling with the flowers to make them perfect, I stand, take a few steps backwards and sit myself down upon a stone bench. The coldness of the granite is felt even through my many layers of clothing, and I cannot help but shudder. It's been three weeks since the engagement feast and now the time had finally come; today is my last day in Cameliard, the only place I've ever known. Tomorrow I am bound for Camelot, where my destiny as Arthur's wife and Queen awaits me. I do not know when, or if, I will see home again. 

These weeks seemed to have gone by much too quickly. With all the preparation for the long journey to Camelot and, of course, for the wedding done by the men, there was little else for me to do other than visit the seamstress. I had the final say about my dress, some about the decor of the church, but that was really all. All the while, I appear happy and confident to all I meet in the face of my future. The truth of my feelings are far from this pretence and now the time had almost come, I find myself very anxious and sorrowful. It was all like a strange dream; a lowly princess of a small city who must now, somehow, become Queen of the most prestigious city in England! At any moment, maybe I would wake up and find that this was indeed all a dream. The reality of the scene before me proved that this was not to be the case. 

I look across at the stone that bears the name of my mother and wish she was here to offer some comforting words. She once went through the same experience, being betrothed to my Father and having to leave her own home to be a Queen of an unfamiliar kingdom. I wonder if she felt all that I do at this very moment. How did she bear it? I know, of course, it all turned out for the best and my parents fell in love. They were happy. I hoped that the same future would also be granted to Arthur and me. That after some time a love may form between us too and we can be just as happy. I also wonder whether she had doubts about whether the marriage was the right path for her. Did she doubt if she was ready for such responsibility? What of her life before her marriage? Did she have another love before being told that she was to marry Father, as I with Lancelot? If she had, she obviously opted to listen to her sense of duty rather than her heart, or I wouldn't be here. I will, of course, be fulfilling my duty by going through with the marriage, as much as it makes my heart ache. Whatever would she have thought of this infatuation of mine? Would she have been ashamed or understanding? Either way, I'm sure she would have advised upon the same course of action as I have already long decided upon. There is little other choice. 

Speaking of Lancelot, he and I had been deliberately keeping our distance from one another. After the engagement and our previous meeting at the stables, we seemed to have both adopted a silent agreement to stay apart. I have not spoken to him in any length, seeing him only fleetingly in corridors and at meals. Our eyes avoided one another, conversations reduced to mere formal acknowledgements. It has been difficult to not converse fully with him when on the few rare occasions he had been near enough, and not being physically close to him also leaves me feeling empty. At first, our mutual separation felt like I was missing something fundamental to being a human being. Though, after three weeks of prolonged distance, the pain was slightly more bearable. I'm hoping the longer it continues, the easier it will get and the more I can focus on Arthur and our future. 

Despite all of this, I had not wavered in my determination to fulfil my duty by marrying Arthur. I have two kingdom's of people to consider, the alliance between them and the sustained future of both even long after I leave this Earth. If it was any consolation, Lancelot and I still have a friendship, one of which I will surely be grateful for when I am settling into my new home. By that point, I hope that my current feelings will have subsided in light of my new situation and we can be around each other without awkwardness. The feelings of love and longing will fade in time and the moments we shared will be only memories. He and Arthur will be the only two people I am completely comfortable within Camelot and I need to be able to be around both of them without causing tension. We all need to get along and work professionally together as King, Queen and commander, while still able to maintain trust and friendship. In the end, it will be these two men who will be by my side supporting me.