Blind Insanity

8 - Chapter Eight - 8

8 - Chapter Eight - 8

What is the definition of Insanity?  It is the state of being seriously mentally ill, or madness.  In my own insanity I have schizophrenia and multiple anxiety disorders.  I hear voices and see hallucinations that I believe are real.  That is what the doctors have classified me as.  Not once since I have been here have I ever considered myself sane.  I know that I am indeed crazy, insane, mad.  I mean after all that these doctors have put me through, the other patients, who would stay sane?

'What does the night bring?  Peace in this place.  What does the day bring?  Horror and more pain.'

There are times that I wonder what my life would have been like if I had never been sent to this place.  Would I still be insane?  Would I be different?  I wish that I knew, I wish that I would be able to see what my life would have been like.  I know that I would have never been normal.  Hearing voices and seeing things don't fit the definition of a normal teenager.  Or maybe they would have put me in a different institution, one that didn't do these things to the patients.  Would the doctors really care about me and try to see me heal?

I heard footsteps of the doctors and nurses walking the hallways.  They were in the middle of their morning routine.  The doctors would be checking to make sure that none of the patients had gotten out during the middle of the night and gotten into anything.  The nurses would open up the doors for the patients that wanted to roam around the hallways all the while someone distributing the pills that the patients had to take.  All the while, they skipped over my own door.  If they had their way, they would never let me out of this room.

'Step one step two, here they come.'

The footsteps of the nurse's sneakers came down the halls.  The doctors had nice shoes that clicked rather than thud when they walked.  Then there were the patient's footsteps that either had slippers on or just walked in their bare feet shuffled down the hall.  The patients were muttering incoherent words either because of the treatments, or because of their own insanity that plagued their minds.

A nurse came down the hall and I sighed as I listened to her footsteps.  She did not have the stride of the other nurses and I sat up with the blanket still wrapped around me.  I did not pay much attention to the details, but I did pay attention to the sound of things.  The dripping in the room made me focus more on other sounds rather than having to listen to the continuous dripping of the water.  Anything would do really and if that meant that I could even now distinguish every single nurse that walked by, that was okay.  As long as it distracted me from counting.

'Follow us into the stars, follow us into the skies, we will show the world.'

A knock came on my door before it opened.  "Jayden," the nurse opened the door and I turned towards her.  It was the nurse that took me to and from Dr. Stanza's office.  She gave me her small smile and this time I didn't want to see that small smile of hers.  It gave off a false hope.  I was tired of getting even the tiniest fraction of hope and feeling my heart shatter in my chest.  "Come on, let's not keep Dr. Stanza waiting," she said softly and I stood up, letting the blanket slip off my head and back onto the cot.

The dripping in the corner of the room splashed making me flinch.  Even when I was not counting the drops the splashing always took me off guard.  It splashed often, but it dripped more than that, dripping and falling forever back into the puddle of water on the floor.  I quickly followed her out of the room so that I wouldn't have to listen to it for a moment longer.