winter, january 21
徐明浩
xu minghao
it's the first time there was no christmas party. for some reason, this bothers him all of a sudden. he's in korea, why should he have expected a party? there was no gift exchange, special dinner from his parents, or even yet the little trip to the beach with chenhsin. it snows outside, and though it's a rarity, minghao is studying. it's snowed for days and days. this has just now occurred to him.
it's weird, why would he be studying?
his sister has gone to her friend's house to have a party and though she had invited him about 10 to 12 times, the young man had declined each time. he regrets it now. the clock's ticking, from right above his head, is the only noise present. he can't even hear himself breathing. is he even doing it?
minghao's hand sneaks its way over the surface of his phone and he sighs.
xialin had gone off to thailand with her family for the break and his friends all had gone to jeju to visit some friend of theirs. soonyoung had really wanted minghao to go but being the once-intelligent-and-now-foolish-boy he is, he declined that, also.
all in all, xu minghao is just really, really, indescribably lonely.
he leans back, letting his long, cramped up limbs relax from his state, and shuts his eyes to think, to reminisce, or to be somewhere else other than where is right now.
the beach house he and chenhsin rented for the christmas break had been sold away when he left and he wonders whether she knows or not. did the movers get rid of their hidden stash of chocolate bars around the house? did they remove the paint from all the walls where they had pretended to be artists back in 2009? did they make it look as if they hadn't spent half of their lives together in that house? did they erase all the memories of the years they had spent together?
was chenhsin, her mom, and her two weird cousins eating over at his house for dinner every night? did his parents make the duck plate with the giant dumplings he and chenhsin would always make? did chenhsin pull out her ukulele and sing christmas songs with that adorably terrible voice of hers even though it was way too early or late? it's january, he barely thinks about this now.
xu minghao collapses from his chair and doesn't move an inch when his sore, lengthy body hits the floor. his chest burns from the inside and it feels as if something is disintegrating within him. he coughs hard and grabs the area of his shirt by his abdomen in fistfuls.
he then suddenly remembers that he had sprained his leg a few days ago while dancing with soonyoung and chan but for some reason, the pain in his chest masks his own leg. it masks everything yet what masks the pain is his happiness. who had he put on the mask for?
his phone vibrates rapidly from the desk and the ferocity of it doing so causes it to join him on the floor. minghao scoops it from its touchdown and hesitates before eyeing it.
chen from exo is calling
what is he even doing?
but the call ends and her contact name is faded in pitch black. did xu minghao miss his shot? yes, yes, he did. he missed it.
was he supposed to be mad? heck no. it was his fault he had pushed her away. he's just bitter and has fallen into a state of paranoia. nothing lasts forever, no matter how long this year feels. eternities could pass but for some reason, minghao feels as if the universe is against him and chenhsin being together as they've always been.
but he shouldn't worry.
minghao needs to succeed. he needs to see if xialin likes him or not. minghao needs to achieve. he needs to impress...
with a single flinch, minghao passes out.
he has not eaten anything in about two days.
