Adventures in Funeral Crashing (Complete Novel)

Chapter 11: Funeral Dating

CHAPTER 11: FUNERAL DATING

 "I just threw up chunks," I told Anne via my cell phone as we drove to Worth Hills Funeral Home, where Vanessa Martin's wake was being held. Anne sympathized as soon as I said the word chunks and told me not to come in. I didn't ditch much, but I know how even saying the word chunks makes me feel, so I knew it would work.

I was ditching work for the funeral. I would have given Anne more warning, but since I went to school with three other Palos Video Store employees, I couldn't afford to. I did not have their loyalty. Again, I was risking my cushy part time job for the sake of Ethan Ripley. It felt worth it, though.

We got to Vanessa's funeral a little after 4 pm and I wasn't surprised to find that Vanessa Martin's funeral was a somber affair. How could it not be? She was another nineteen year old from Laurel Community College that had overdosed on heroin. Only, I got the impression that her parents were trying to keep everyone from talking about the h-word, but people were gossiping about it in hushed tones anyway.

As we walked into the wake, I suddenly felt Ethan's hand wrap around mine. I felt my pulse speed up at the touch of his hand. I hoped my palms wouldn't start sweating or anything really gross like that. My stomach started doing flips as his hand grasped mine a little tighter. Then I felt him looking at me. Oh yeah, we were supposed to be walking into the wake. I had completely forgotten what I was doing in the extreme bliss of holding his hand.

"You ready?" He asked.

"Uh-huh," I managed to mumble, trying to get my thoughts back into a coherent state.

It was all Ethan's idea, not mine, I swear. He wanted it to seem like we were dating. Yes dating, again, all his idea, although I admit to being really happy about having his warm, rugged hand clasped in mine...even if it was all just a charade. I mean, it felt real enough even if he wasn't doing it because he like liked me. I would take what I could get. It made sense actually, that we should be dating if we came to the funeral together. Then we only needed one reason for being there...instead of two.

The heart of funeral crashing is the entire experience. You need to throw yourself into the funeral, but not too much. After all, the goal is to crash the funeral without getting caught. One of the main things to do is to solemnly walk up to the casket and view the body. If one was a good actor, managing a tear is perfect. If not, looking sad is definitely enough. Don't smile. And, you don't want to wait and stare into the casket too long either. This makes any anxious family members think you're having some kind of a breakdown and they may get the urge to come over and hug you. If that happens, you better have a great story ready. A casual friend doesn't break down at a funeral and posing as someone's bff when you don't even know them, is tough.

So, our plan was in full swing. We were standing in front of Vanessa Martin's casket and peering in to look at her. She looked so young, with long brown hair cascading down the pillow she was lying on. She still looked youthful and full of life, just with her eyes closed. They did a great make-up job, as morbid as that sounds. If her eyes had been open, my guess is they would have been brown too. It was a sad waste. If only Ethan and I could have saved Vanessa this moment. I thought of Detective Dixon and his Styrofoam cup fetish and felt angry all over again. He should have listened to us! Maybe Vanessa Martin's death could have been prevented if the police had even simply looked into the theory we had given them. I mean, I had even shown them her email!

From the vantage point of the coffin, we were able to clearly observe Vanessa's immediate family. The immediate family – parents, siblings, and close relatives, were almost always sitting on the front couch in front of the casket. The woman that appeared to be Vanessa's mother was hanging on another woman, possibly her sister since they looked a little alike and, carrying on into her shoulder. Nobody else was sitting on the front couch. Maybe Vanessa's father wasn't in the picture anymore. I didn't see any siblings yet.